in our room

She is just a couple weeks shy of being 9 months old and still sleeps by our bedside. She has definitely been in our room the longest of our four children.  Partly, due to space within our home; but mostly because this mama is having a hard time with change.  With each 25th day of the month, I am reminded of what a thief time is. I fill with emotions and wish somehow I could go back and do it all again. That I could have more time with each of our children. As I look at our 12 year old, it is a constant reminder that the moments, the days, the years pass quicker than I ever anticipated. Quicker than I was ever warned.  

We have intentionally made choices to live a slower life. To have more family time. To soak in the present. All of this, has made me feel these moments even more. Love them. Cherish them. Yet, I often end up back here. Nostalgic for what once was. 

As I lay in bed nursing her yesterday, I thought about the fact that she will not always be in this room with us. She will not always be here in our home. Yes, that reality makes my heart ache, but instead of mourning the loss of time,  I decided to take out my camera and capture this present moment. This gift of time. I want to recenter my focus. Not on what we lose with each passing moment, phase, or milestone, but what we gain. What joy we have lived and what we have learned about grace through it all. 

Today, I read these words from Ann Voskamp and I share them for myself, as much as I share them for others to also be encouraged. 

"When I am present to the Presence of God meeting us in this moment, I am not worrying, I am not regretting, I am not chaffing, griping, fuming, fretting.

Be all here: and be holy.
Be all here: and be happy.
Because the Presence of I AM always fills the present moment.

Be all here and be at peace… content… awake —- Alive. When I am mindful of this moment, the mind fills with God and the heart fills with peace and joy-thanks fills the prayers and isn’t the only way God can come to us is through the door of this moment? Here."

I want to be all here. To be Alive in the moments of today. To be at peace. Nothing more and nothing less. This, this is my prayer. 

letters to our children l a letter to my youngest daughter l march 2013

Our sweet baby girl, I look at you daily I and am still amazed.  The journey we took until you joined our world was not an easy one, but I would not trade one moment of the road we traveled.

In January of 2009, Daddy and I found out that I was pregnant.  A short week later we found out we would no longer be having that baby.  It was hard to understand at the time, but we knew God's plan and timing are always perfect.

A month later, in February 2009, we received the news that we would be having a baby in November. Daddy and I were so excited and very surprised.   I will admit that I was nervous because of what we had just experienced, but I knew I had to put my faith in God.  My pregnancy with you was wonderful. I can still remember the moment the sonogram technician told us you were a girl. I was shocked and so excited.  At that moment we knew we would call you Caroline Grace.  Your brother and sister both have names that have been in our family, but we knew this was the name we wanted for you.  We loved the meaning of your name:  Caroline, beautiful woman and Grace, Grace of God.

In September of 2009 everything took an unexpected scary turn with my pregnancy.  One day I began swelling, which I had never done before with you or your brother or sister. It was very unusual and it didn't go away.  The doctor took my blood pressure and realized after some other tests that I was very sick. I was diagnosed with severe pre- eclampsia.   I was admitted to the hospital that day and taken by ambulance to another hospital the next day about an hour away.  I had to get to a  hospital that had an adequate NICU for you to be admitted into upon your arrival.  You were still not due for almost 2 more months. I was scared. I was terrified. I remember being in the ambulance so frightened, worrying about what was going to happen to you and me. I had never felt that sick in my life.  We made it to the hospital safely and they started Mama on a drug to help with the sickness I was having. I was also given shots at this time to develop your lungs.

One day later, you were delivered; almost 2 months earlier than planned.  I honestly do not remember anything from the first two days you were born. I was so sick. In addition, to being on the drugs to help with my blood pressure, I ended up having a spinal headache and could not move until the Dr. went back into my spine and performed a spinal patch.

Those first few days were so emotional while I was so sick and you were in the NICU. I am so grateful for Daddy and Mimi for all they did for us during those early days. BUT then things got better and I finally got to hold you.  All of the rest did not matter at that moment.  And you were amazing.  You were a little thing at 4 pounds 10 ounces, but amazingly healthy.  Your doctor named you Super Star, because you did so well.  You didn't need alot in the NICU, only to feed and grow.  I began to pump my milk for you around the clock, and those moments when I got to feed you and hold you were some of the most special moments of my life.   And then finally you were able to actually nurse and it was so encouraging to see you begin to thrive. It was so hard to leave you on the days I had to go back to our home, but I knew your brother and sister needed me as well.   I will never forget the day the four of us drove together to bring you home from the NICU.  It was a moment like no other.

I remember being so worried that the time we spent apart would affect our bond.  I was scared that things would be different with you than with Sissy and Bubby.  I couldn't have been more wrong.   Today we share a beautiful unique love and I am grateful for it; yet I feel like none of my words would adequately describe this love to you.  I know  that you feel it as well and that is more than enough for me.

I share this all with you, because this experience taught me so much about life. I have always tried to plan things...it's just who Mama is.  But in those days I learned that I have to give God complete control of my life.  I have to have faith that He alone has a plan and that if I trust in it, everything will work out in His timing.  I pray that you and your sister and brother will live with this faith as well.  I have seen time and time again without fail, that any hard experience God has brought me through; I've been left with lessons learned, blessings, and so much to be thankful for.  His plan; it is perfect.  Yes, I say this, even on the hardest of days.

Today you are 3 1/2.  You are the light of our lives.  You are always filled with so much joy. You say the craziest things and we all just watch you and laugh. You dance wherever you go. You always say "mama, watch me, watch my twirl".  You love painting and usually create something special most mornings while we do school.  I love how you say "Mama I LOVE you BIG"...or sometimes you will say "little" just to watch my sad face...and then you giggle so sweetly.  You love to bake with mama, though I think licking the bowl is what you really love!  You are strong willed and determined to get your way (whenever this side of you comes out, I think of the little preemie in the NICU who thrived beyond any of our expectations).  You still carry your pink blanket wherever you go.  Last week we took your crib down, and admittedly it was so hard for me to see it go, but you were ready.You are definitely your own little person now, and we couldn't be more blessed to have you.

Caroline Grace, you are such a gift and I look forward to watching you become the beautiful woman that God has planned.

Jeremiah 29: 11  " For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

All my love,

Mama

Each month a group of talented ladies and amazing mothers also write letters to their children.  Next in our circle is the beautiful mother and artist Jennifer Warthan.  I always love seeing her life on the farm.

capturing us

it wasn't too long ago that i came across this post from a fellow photographer called don't miss it.  i really loved this post by the rancher's wife kate, a wonderful and inspiring woman.    the article was so true.   often as mothers and women in general we focus on the negatives of ourselves and not the beauty of today and who we represent to our families in this moment.  we often grab our camera to capture every moment of our children, not missing any milestone they adventure into....but then there is one person we forget to capture---ourselves.   i can be the first to admit i am so critical of every photo i am in and not always wanting to share the way i look from day to day (work out shorts and a t shirt) with the world...but i have made it my goal this year and from now on to make sure i am in these memories.  our children and grandchildren won't look back and think wow, mom could have really stood to lose a few pounds...or wow, she looks so tired and worn out. no, our children will remember those times together;  hopefully nostalgically and be so glad to see us in them.  so i challenge you also,  to make this the year,  you get in your pictures...whether you hire someone to take family portraits for you or you simply get a tripod and set your timer (or hand your camera to a friend) --you won't regret it... 

since i am with my kids alone most of the time these days, i have vowed to learn to get a good picture using the tripod. i have even ordered a remote to make this easier.   this time my little guy was up for the challenge with me....and i am so glad i did it.  it feels silly sometimes but once you get over that - it can be a lot of fun.

 and if you feel silly setting the tripod up out in public--you can always do it right in your own home. i love this one  and how he decided to plant a kiss on me right in the middle of the picture.  what a fun memory i now have to cherish!

a very cute 2 year old

We've been talking about doing pictures of this adorable little guy for a while now.   We finally got the chance to  get a few of  him after having way too many rainy days!   This family is one of the amazing families I have mentioned before on this blog.   The mother, Becky, has been a lifesaver to me on many occasions. Our daughters' have become the best of friends the past year, spending many afternoons and evenings with each other.  In addition, our families  had the joy of taking a road trip to Florida together this Christmas . We figured out mid trip that combined we had a 7 year old, 6 year old, 5 year old, 4 year old, 2 year old and a 1 year old...it was crazy, but something we won't forget. I can't thank them enough for always being such special friends.  I hope you enjoy the sneak peak of J's pictures....

 

a frame a week wednesdays | week 2

This week our house was filled with a couple of  fun surprises... The first was a snow storm that brought much more snow than we expected.  We all ventured out and enjoyed this fun filled day!    The second surprise of the week was E lost her very first tooth!! She was super excited as she lost it at school. She bolted off the bus with it to show Momma!  It was so special to see her filled with so much excitement.

 E had a blast in the snow...she definitely lasted the longest of the three.

C didn't know what to think...she actually did laugh and smile alot but she looks so un happy in most of the pictures!

M's faces say it all...he had a love hate relationship with the snow that day!

Next up.. the before and after of E's tooth.   (I know , it's supposed to be a frame a week, but I just couldn't narrow it down this week)

Then so excited as she got off the bus..

And one last picture from the week....just loved this one of sweet C at bath time!

1 plus 1 equals 2---- not always?

I love this picture of my two oldest children for so many reasons.  It just represents so much about both of them in such an amazing way.  

 At first glance it is the two of them ready to jump from the jungle gym at the neighborhood park.  But to me, it is so much more.   I see two children, so different in so many ways but also surprisingly so alike these days.  There is 2 1/2 years exactly between them.   Not long ago these two seemed world's apart; one was in diapers completely dependent on mama for most everything --the other not so much.   Fast forward 4 years and they are the best of friends and rivals.  They play together so well and want to do most of the same things, they go to bed at about the same time, like most of the same movies and shows, can get dressed alone and are pretty self sufficient, wear the same sized shoes and are only a mere 4 pounds apart. I could really go on and on. 

But how subtle this picture also shows me their differences.  The lace ties of my six year old, who can now tie her shoes, and is reading and starting to lose her first teeth.  The pink on her legs reminding me of the girly girl she is and her love for drama, dolls, dance, and arts.   And then there is the Velcro of my son, reminding me he isn't quite there with his sister yet..but always chasing his dream to be just like her.  His jeans reminding me of his love for adventure and fearless spirit.  His leadership qualities waiting to blossom, but these days presenting as stubbornness and defiance.

So no, 1+1 may not always equal 2, but it certainly isn't 1.   I love watching our children grow and develop into their own personalities.   For now, I will cherish these days, where I see them loving to play together one minute but fighting the next, declaring their independence.    What a fun journey motherhood is.

glorify

Definition of Glorify:  (according to Merriam -Webster.com)

1 : to make glorious by bestowing honor, praise, or admiration b : to elevate to celestial glory

2: to light up brilliantly

3 : to represent as glorious : extol <a song glorifying romantic love> b : to cause to be or seem to be better than the actual condition <the new position is just a glorified version of the old stockroom job>

4: to give glory to (as in worship)

Examples of Glorify:  Glorify and give thanks to God.

It's hard to believe another year has been born.  The days and months pass so quickly; much too quickly in fact.  I can vividly remember last year being in my car and hearing a segment on the radio about picking one word for you for the year. A word that would represent you at that time in life or something you hoped to become.   Again, as this New Year has started, I have also seen challenges within the blogging community to do this very thing.   It's a great way to reflect and set goals or wishes for the New Year ahead.   The word I have chosen is :

GLORIFY

I find this word perfect for 2011 (and really any year) in so many ways.   I feel challenged and hopeful to GLORIFY God in all things I do--in all walks of my life...

•  As a Wife
• As a Mother
• As a Daughter
• As a Sister
• As a Friend
• As a Neighbor
• In how I spend my free time
•  Through my health and well being
• Through my photography and other creative outlets

The list could go on.  I know I will not always succeed and in that there IS NOT failure but learning.  As I said, this is an ongoing challenge and hope of mine for the year and years to come.   What is your word? What does it say about your year ahead? 

what it's all about...

 As a mother to three children; 6 and under, there are moments in the day, when I can honestly say, I want to sneak in to a closet and soak in the quiet.   Don't get me wrong, I love every bit of being a mom and I cherish these babies more than anything.   I love staying home and would not have it any other way.  I had no idea the magnitude of love I would feel for them, before becoming a mother....but I'd be lying and being a phony to say, that I never have "those" moments--especially when it seems like the past few years I've been doing this solo a good majority of the time.  I do feel totally blessed that we can serve our country and God in the manner we do, but it is hard work keeping it all going.   As I looked through pictures today, the above picture  just caught me and made me giggle to myself.   As I began to think of my 16 month old and her innocent giggles and her wondrous world of exploring,  I thought, this is what life is all about...

ice cream freeze...

Today I had the pleasure of watching our oldest perform what she has  learned so far of  her Spring recital dance.  It was so cute seeing her dance her heart out to the "Ice Cream Freeze", but I couldn't help but sit there and ponder where the time has gone?  It seems like just yesterday I was swaddling her and trying to keep track of her sleep and nursing schedules.    Oh, what I would do to go back and cherish those sweet cuddle moments a little longer.   It is bittersweet watching our little ones grow and become their own people. On one hand you are so proud as they become independent but on another hand its just plain sad to see them "fly".   I am definitely one of those moms that wishes time would freeze just a bit.    I have to say to all the new moms who are experiencing the birth of their first baby...enjoy it all.  Don't fret over how much your little one is or isn't sleeping, eating, or doing,  because in time it will all work out.   Don't compare what your baby is doing to any other baby...just savor the moments!! Because before you know it, you'll be watching that little baby, turned 6, shaking her booty to Miley Cyrus and wondering how did we get here so quickly......

everyday things...

It is the everyday things I cherish and hope I capture so I never forget them....I encourage anyone with children to try and capture everyday living...so you'll look back and remember the phases your child went through, the experiences they shared, the moments you lived together... Cars, the movie is one of those things in our house...it all started with a movie night with Daddy and has evolved into a passion that words couldn't do justice.   It is so amazing to see how it started with my son playing with these little vehicles all over the house. I would trip on them left and right throughout the day..BUT now, I catch glimpses of him with his book in hand and his cars reenacting the stories he has read or watched...

Have I told you how much I love this little guy?