Our sweet baby girl, I look at you daily I and am still amazed. The journey we took until you joined our world was not an easy one, but I would not trade one moment of the road we traveled.
In January of 2009, Daddy and I found out that I was pregnant. A short week later we found out we would no longer be having that baby. It was hard to understand at the time, but we knew God's plan and timing are always perfect.
A month later, in February 2009, we received the news that we would be having a baby in November. Daddy and I were so excited and very surprised. I will admit that I was nervous because of what we had just experienced, but I knew I had to put my faith in God. My pregnancy with you was wonderful. I can still remember the moment the sonogram technician told us you were a girl. I was shocked and so excited. At that moment we knew we would call you Caroline Grace. Your brother and sister both have names that have been in our family, but we knew this was the name we wanted for you. We loved the meaning of your name: Caroline, beautiful woman and Grace, Grace of God.
In September of 2009 everything took an unexpected scary turn with my pregnancy. One day I began swelling, which I had never done before with you or your brother or sister. It was very unusual and it didn't go away. The doctor took my blood pressure and realized after some other tests that I was very sick. I was diagnosed with severe pre- eclampsia. I was admitted to the hospital that day and taken by ambulance to another hospital the next day about an hour away. I had to get to a hospital that had an adequate NICU for you to be admitted into upon your arrival. You were still not due for almost 2 more months. I was scared. I was terrified. I remember being in the ambulance so frightened, worrying about what was going to happen to you and me. I had never felt that sick in my life. We made it to the hospital safely and they started Mama on a drug to help with the sickness I was having. I was also given shots at this time to develop your lungs.
One day later, you were delivered; almost 2 months earlier than planned. I honestly do not remember anything from the first two days you were born. I was so sick. In addition, to being on the drugs to help with my blood pressure, I ended up having a spinal headache and could not move until the Dr. went back into my spine and performed a spinal patch.
Those first few days were so emotional while I was so sick and you were in the NICU. I am so grateful for Daddy and Mimi for all they did for us during those early days. BUT then things got better and I finally got to hold you. All of the rest did not matter at that moment. And you were amazing. You were a little thing at 4 pounds 10 ounces, but amazingly healthy. Your doctor named you Super Star, because you did so well. You didn't need alot in the NICU, only to feed and grow. I began to pump my milk for you around the clock, and those moments when I got to feed you and hold you were some of the most special moments of my life. And then finally you were able to actually nurse and it was so encouraging to see you begin to thrive. It was so hard to leave you on the days I had to go back to our home, but I knew your brother and sister needed me as well. I will never forget the day the four of us drove together to bring you home from the NICU. It was a moment like no other.
I remember being so worried that the time we spent apart would affect our bond. I was scared that things would be different with you than with Sissy and Bubby. I couldn't have been more wrong. Today we share a beautiful unique love and I am grateful for it; yet I feel like none of my words would adequately describe this love to you. I know that you feel it as well and that is more than enough for me.
I share this all with you, because this experience taught me so much about life. I have always tried to plan things...it's just who Mama is. But in those days I learned that I have to give God complete control of my life. I have to have faith that He alone has a plan and that if I trust in it, everything will work out in His timing. I pray that you and your sister and brother will live with this faith as well. I have seen time and time again without fail, that any hard experience God has brought me through; I've been left with lessons learned, blessings, and so much to be thankful for. His plan; it is perfect. Yes, I say this, even on the hardest of days.
Today you are 3 1/2. You are the light of our lives. You are always filled with so much joy. You say the craziest things and we all just watch you and laugh. You dance wherever you go. You always say "mama, watch me, watch my twirl". You love painting and usually create something special most mornings while we do school. I love how you say "Mama I LOVE you BIG"...or sometimes you will say "little" just to watch my sad face...and then you giggle so sweetly. You love to bake with mama, though I think licking the bowl is what you really love! You are strong willed and determined to get your way (whenever this side of you comes out, I think of the little preemie in the NICU who thrived beyond any of our expectations). You still carry your pink blanket wherever you go. Last week we took your crib down, and admittedly it was so hard for me to see it go, but you were ready.You are definitely your own little person now, and we couldn't be more blessed to have you.
Caroline Grace, you are such a gift and I look forward to watching you become the beautiful woman that God has planned.
Jeremiah 29: 11 " For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
All my love,
Each month a group of talented ladies and amazing mothers also write letters to their children. Next in our circle is the beautiful mother and artist Jennifer Warthan. I always love seeing her life on the farm.