a crazy love

“Motherhood is hard work.  It is repetitive and often times menial.  Accept it.  Rejoice in it.  This is your toil.  Right here.  Those are their faces.  Enjoy them.  The days of your life are supposed to be full of things like this.  But joy is not giddy.  It is not an emotional rush–it is what happens when you accept your lot and rejoice in your toil.  So rejoice in your children.  Look them in the eyes and give thanks.” -Rachel Jankovik These words are a wonderful reminder on the days we feel challenged, tired, inadequate, or frustrated. Motherhood is not easy. We all face moments in our days where we feel deep in the valley of motherhood, but then I look at my children and my home that is filled with evidence of their little lives. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for each day we share together. I am overwhelmed with a crazy love that no words can explain.

My youngest sister, Katie, will be having their third child next month. Her two girls are 4 and 2 and are excited to welcome a baby brother into their world. Katie has been getting a lot of crazy comments when people see her pregnant with number three. We have been laughing about these a lot lately. One of the most common things she hears is that "your hands are full."  I love author Rachel Jankovik's reply to this statement, "yes, they are-full of good things!"  God's plan for each of us  is so unique and written especially for each of us.  I love to see how He works in all of us and I am so excited to see Him work in this next chapter of my sister's family.

This week I got to spend some time at home with Katie and her girls. Some days are certainly a bit chaotic, but I know she wouldn't change a thing. I fondly look back on the time when I had a 5 and almost 3 year old who were welcoming their baby sister. It was such an exciting time for all of us. The days flew by  like a blur of light. Somehow as I look back, I forget the hard, late nights with a newborn. I only remember the sweet smell, the soft touches, and the new faces. I remember the way my children bonded with one another during those early days, that quickly turned into years. Our baby girl will soon turn five. Yes, this time is fleeting.

I am so grateful I could capture Katie with her girls before the new baby arrives. These images remind me of life with little ones. It's a crazy love; one that is really extraordinary.

beautiful light and a lot of love

I have not been doing many family sessions over the past year, because I made the decision to put my own family first.  I love capturing families together, but I realized it took far too much time away from my children and they are still so young. I don't ever want to look back and regret the way I chose to use my time. I made an exception for this session of course, because it is my sister and her family. Since I have moved back home I have loved getting to watch her family grow.  I am so blessed that these little ones are a part of my daily life now.

letters to our children l a letter to my youngest daughter l march 2013

Our sweet baby girl, I look at you daily I and am still amazed.  The journey we took until you joined our world was not an easy one, but I would not trade one moment of the road we traveled.

In January of 2009, Daddy and I found out that I was pregnant.  A short week later we found out we would no longer be having that baby.  It was hard to understand at the time, but we knew God's plan and timing are always perfect.

A month later, in February 2009, we received the news that we would be having a baby in November. Daddy and I were so excited and very surprised.   I will admit that I was nervous because of what we had just experienced, but I knew I had to put my faith in God.  My pregnancy with you was wonderful. I can still remember the moment the sonogram technician told us you were a girl. I was shocked and so excited.  At that moment we knew we would call you Caroline Grace.  Your brother and sister both have names that have been in our family, but we knew this was the name we wanted for you.  We loved the meaning of your name:  Caroline, beautiful woman and Grace, Grace of God.

In September of 2009 everything took an unexpected scary turn with my pregnancy.  One day I began swelling, which I had never done before with you or your brother or sister. It was very unusual and it didn't go away.  The doctor took my blood pressure and realized after some other tests that I was very sick. I was diagnosed with severe pre- eclampsia.   I was admitted to the hospital that day and taken by ambulance to another hospital the next day about an hour away.  I had to get to a  hospital that had an adequate NICU for you to be admitted into upon your arrival.  You were still not due for almost 2 more months. I was scared. I was terrified. I remember being in the ambulance so frightened, worrying about what was going to happen to you and me. I had never felt that sick in my life.  We made it to the hospital safely and they started Mama on a drug to help with the sickness I was having. I was also given shots at this time to develop your lungs.

One day later, you were delivered; almost 2 months earlier than planned.  I honestly do not remember anything from the first two days you were born. I was so sick. In addition, to being on the drugs to help with my blood pressure, I ended up having a spinal headache and could not move until the Dr. went back into my spine and performed a spinal patch.

Those first few days were so emotional while I was so sick and you were in the NICU. I am so grateful for Daddy and Mimi for all they did for us during those early days. BUT then things got better and I finally got to hold you.  All of the rest did not matter at that moment.  And you were amazing.  You were a little thing at 4 pounds 10 ounces, but amazingly healthy.  Your doctor named you Super Star, because you did so well.  You didn't need alot in the NICU, only to feed and grow.  I began to pump my milk for you around the clock, and those moments when I got to feed you and hold you were some of the most special moments of my life.   And then finally you were able to actually nurse and it was so encouraging to see you begin to thrive. It was so hard to leave you on the days I had to go back to our home, but I knew your brother and sister needed me as well.   I will never forget the day the four of us drove together to bring you home from the NICU.  It was a moment like no other.

I remember being so worried that the time we spent apart would affect our bond.  I was scared that things would be different with you than with Sissy and Bubby.  I couldn't have been more wrong.   Today we share a beautiful unique love and I am grateful for it; yet I feel like none of my words would adequately describe this love to you.  I know  that you feel it as well and that is more than enough for me.

I share this all with you, because this experience taught me so much about life. I have always tried to plan things...it's just who Mama is.  But in those days I learned that I have to give God complete control of my life.  I have to have faith that He alone has a plan and that if I trust in it, everything will work out in His timing.  I pray that you and your sister and brother will live with this faith as well.  I have seen time and time again without fail, that any hard experience God has brought me through; I've been left with lessons learned, blessings, and so much to be thankful for.  His plan; it is perfect.  Yes, I say this, even on the hardest of days.

Today you are 3 1/2.  You are the light of our lives.  You are always filled with so much joy. You say the craziest things and we all just watch you and laugh. You dance wherever you go. You always say "mama, watch me, watch my twirl".  You love painting and usually create something special most mornings while we do school.  I love how you say "Mama I LOVE you BIG"...or sometimes you will say "little" just to watch my sad face...and then you giggle so sweetly.  You love to bake with mama, though I think licking the bowl is what you really love!  You are strong willed and determined to get your way (whenever this side of you comes out, I think of the little preemie in the NICU who thrived beyond any of our expectations).  You still carry your pink blanket wherever you go.  Last week we took your crib down, and admittedly it was so hard for me to see it go, but you were ready.You are definitely your own little person now, and we couldn't be more blessed to have you.

Caroline Grace, you are such a gift and I look forward to watching you become the beautiful woman that God has planned.

Jeremiah 29: 11  " For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

All my love,

Mama

Each month a group of talented ladies and amazing mothers also write letters to their children.  Next in our circle is the beautiful mother and artist Jennifer Warthan.  I always love seeing her life on the farm.

independence l a mother's heart

i know it's only an orange. yes, its just a simple picture of our baby girl, peeling her own orange.  but to me, the mother of this sweet 3 year old, it's a lot more.  it's her saying "i dood it mom".  it's finding the independence that she wants and me giving her the baby steps to try new things.  all the while, i want to take her in my arms and tell her not to ever grow up.  it's harder in ways with her, our third child.  it's harder because i've seen how fast the time goes by with our oldest daughter of 8 and our middle son of 6.  so i try to slow her down, but some days there is no stopping her.  today she sat and peeled her own orange-she didn't want mama's help.  so of course, i picked up my camera and documented it.  don't let these moments that seem so ordinary at the time slip past you.  you don't have to have a fancy camera or be a pro to record your family's milestones.  grab your phone or whatever you have. just capture it.  i can promise you that you'll be so happy you did.

the quieter side to three l a mother's heart

yesterday i posted about a breakout session with anne wick i bought through the clickin moms website.  if you missed all of the details you can go back to the post here.  today i felt challenged to take some pictures of my three year old. i am always able to capture her vibrant and loving personality, but capturing the quieter and more curious side to her is more of a challenge.   i spent a few moments just hanging out with her, talking to her and observing her.   one thing holds constant, this little love of mine, expresses her thoughts and feelings in her eyes so much.   love her. now, if you haven't bought anne's break out session, what are you waiting for?   only a few days left to go get yourself a copy.

i am thankful personal post l final week

thank you for joining me the past month for this wonderful project and reflection. the little, the big, the everyday, the extraordinary; they are all blessings i never want to take for granted. i am thankful day 22- i am so grateful that my children are getting to grow up with their cousins all so close. and that they truly are all the best of friends.

i am thankful day 23- i am thankful for hot chocolate on a chilly florida morning and snuggling with daddy's childhood blankey ♥

i am thankful day 25-i am so grateful for the baby of our family. for the joy and laughter she fills our house with. i will never forget when she was in the NICU as a preemie and her dr. said she was a "super star"...she's lived up to that name ever since. she's so full of life and love. we are all blessed.

i am thankful day 24-i am so thankful to live on the lake. it is such a blessing to have this as our back yard now. most days you will find our children happy as can be playing and building in the sand down by the water.

i am thankful day 26- i am grateful and in complete awe of God's amazing creations. when i look around at everything He created for us to enjoy, i am amazed ! from my beautiful children, to the earth and sun...there are so many creations that just leave me speechless.

i am thankful day 27- i am thankful for moments like these. when i see the laughter, spontaneity, and love between my three children. nothing makes my heart more warm and filled. so blessed to be their mama.

i am thankful day 28-thankful for movie nights with the family. {especially nice during the Christmas season--love the Christmas movies}

i am thankful day 29-today i am thankful for pictures. i am grateful for the stories they tell. when i look at our stairwell of memories, i am flooded with emotions and thanksgiving. i am thankful for all of my family..each person whom i love dearly. but especially my husband of 13 plus years. i couldn't be more blessed with a giving and loving man. but most of all, a leader of Christ in our home. i see these pictures and i am reminded how blessed we are.

i am thankful day 30- i am thankful that Jesus came and made the ultimate sacrifice. without Him, i would be nothing. without Him, none of these blessings would be. i am humbled and grateful and blessed to be His.

just us l november 2012

“...you are my rainbow to keep. my eyes will always be watching you; never will i lose sight of you.”  -vesna bailey welcome back for this month's edition of just us. i love that this project has made me more aware of getting in the pictures with my children. this month's pictures really show it can be fun to do.  my kid's love playing with the remote..so one morning, while still in jammies, my oldest daughter and i had a little fun in bed.   snuggling in my bed is our favorite spot to be. since she was little, she has been our most snuggly, touchy baby.   she is the only one of our three children, that you will find in between us in bed at some point, every night.   she's a truly lovely soul and we are so blessed to call her our daughter.

once awake for the day, the baby of the family decided she wanted in on the fun.  i couldn't say no, now could I?!

please continue on and see what the talented Misty Setzler l Lubbock, TX photographer has captured of her family this month.

a birthday letter as you turn 6

hello sweet boy,

today you turn 6.   i can still remember the moment we found out we would be welcoming a little boy into our world.   to be quite honest--i didn't know what i would do with a boy. i was caught off guard and surprised in all kinds of ways.  i would never have dreamed the way that you would complete my life, like only you can. you have taught me so much about life and living it.  you have taught me that parenting isn't always easy...it can be messy, hard, and challenging, but it is such a gift i never want to take for granted.  you have shown me what it means to live out a crazy love, so full of emotion and presence .  you have displayed a kind of  bravery and zest for life that i envy and desire for myself to take on. you remind me so much of your dad in this way.  i hope you will remain fearless and strong in your choices.  you, our middle child, have shown each of us an extraordinary love.  the way you take care of your baby sister makes me warm every time i see you together. and the way you look up to your big sister is so endearing.  i pray that this adoration for your sisters never ends and that you will always be the best of friends. the lake has really become your happy place.  whether you are spending time fishing, digging for treasures, or just running around in complete bliss.  it is where you find peace and solace.  i love that at six you still want me to lay with you at bed time.  some nights you ask that i don't snuggle you; but then if i give you a few moments, you slowly embrace me. these moments with you are so precious;  i hope i will feel and remember them always.  never forget how much you mean to each of us.  your dad and i  pray that you will walk with the Lord and follow His plan for you in all you do.  you have a special heart and so many gifts to give this world.  happy birthday my sweet son.

i love you to the moon and back

look into my eyes l a mother's heart

"look into my eyes and hear what I'm not saying, for my eyes speak louder than my voice ever will."

why it's different with the last baby l a mother's heart

"I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and... I believe in miracles. " -Audrey Hepburn

the baby of our family is turning 3 next tuesday.  this has brought much emotion to my heart.   i've realized that the way i parent her and react to things is so different than i did with our first.   things i wanted to fix or change with our oldest daughter,  i now somehow just want to remember.  and not just remember this time, but remember every little detail of her.   i want to hold on to the crazy things she says.  to never forget the nutty outfits she chooses to wear.  i want to remember the trouble and mischief she finds. i  i know too well, from having two older children that these times will be a distant memory before we know it.

so now instead of hurrying to change these moments; i choose to grab my camera and freeze them the only way i know how.

a brand new school year | homeschooling 2012

today we began year 2 of our homeschooling journey.  we now have a 3rd grader, kindergartner, and an almost 3 year old.  i was so excited to get started this year and learned a lot during my first year. i was able to see what worked for us and what didn't in terms of curriculum, school space, our schedule and much more. over the summer i worked very hard on a special project. we have a room in our house that we used for storage since the time we bought the house.  it has a great built in desk, bookshelves, and a full bathroom with access outside to the lake.   after a year of cleaning off my dining table at the end of each day i thought it would be nice to create a school and creative spot for our kiddos. i know we will still school in many places around our house, and even outside of the house, but it is so nice to have a space to go to together to create and learn.   my vision was to create a place that could encourage and inspire our children. i wanted to have a place that would remind them to DREAM, never give up, and create a lot.  i wanted a place to remind them of the love of their heavenly Father.  i wanted to fill the room with reminders of our love for each other and our appreciation and love of life.

the room is almost complete (i have a few more items that i ordered that have not arrived, but for the most part i am finished)...and i thought since it was the first day of our 2012 school year, i would share my project.  i hope you enjoy a sneak peek into our school day. i am so grateful God has given me this time with my children.  i am so blessed to be able to teach them daily and watch them grow in Him.  i will never take these moments for granted.

" i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"   Philippians 4:13

ice cream treats in the park

this has to be one of the most fun sessions i have taken to date.  this sweet family of four overflowed with fun and love.  throughout all of these pictures you can just imagine the fun they must have at home with their little girl and their faithful pal.   i hope you enjoy this preview of our morning in the park.   i hope your sweet girl has the best first birthday and a year filled with lots of love and blessings!

a super yummy cake smash

i have been so blessed to photograph so many wonderful families. for this shoot we were able to capture some beautiful family shots and also some great first birthday memories to cherish.   they were all such fun and you can completely see what wonderful parents these two boys have. their mama and daddy love them to pieces.  i am grateful i could give them this gift to preserve this special time in all of their lives.

project 52 l week 31 l joy

"joy is not the absence of suffering. it is the presence of God."  robert schuller

this week our theme is joy.  i look into her eyes and i see so much...

please continue with our blog circle and see what the fabulous Mary Schannen l Melange Photography has to share this week...

the illuminated word project l july

it's once again time for the illuminated word project.  each month i join a group of ladies to discuss a verse of scripture that has spoken to our hearts during the month.  this month i would like to share the following verse:

Ephesians 4:32: "Be kind and compassionate to one another,   forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. "

"you are forgiven."  three simple words, yet at times, they can be the hardest words to say.

this weekend our two year old daughter told my husband that her brother hit her while he was playing the wii.   this is something we aren't very proud of as parents, but admittedly bad behavior does indeed take place between our 8, 5, and 2 year old children.  my husband disciplined my son and then he requested that my son apologize to our daughter.

my son has a terribly hard time with saying i'm sorry.   i think this is hard for a lot of children.   on the other hand,  i notice that children can be so quick to forgive one another.  they quickly say "that's okay." or something of the like.  and then the matter is forgotten and they move on.

as adults, it can be so hard to really forgive one another when we are hurt.  sometimes it seems easier to harbor feelings of resentment, anger, and sadness, then to say i forgive you.  why can't we be like my 2 year old who quickly says "it's okay, bubby"... and then embraces him with a hug and a smile?  indeed there are many reasons why we instinctively don't do this, but the bible clearly tells us to forgive one another as Christ forgives us.

have you heard the latest song by mathew west? if not, you can hear the song here and you can read the story behind the song here.  i can't seem to get this song out of my head.  the words are just that powerful:

It's the hardest thing to give away And the last thing on your mind today It always goes to those that don't deserve

It's the opposite of how you feel When the pain they caused is just to real It takes everything you have just to say the word...

Forgiveness Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride It moves away the mad inside It's always anger's own worst enemy Even when the jury and the judge Say you gotta right to hold a grudge It's the whisper in your ear saying 'Set It Free'

Forgiveness, Forgiveness Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable Show me how to reach the unreachable Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Help me now to do the impossible Forgiveness

It'll clear the bitterness away It can even set a prisoner free There is no end to what it's power can do So, let it go and be amazed By what you see through eyes of grace The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable Show me how to reach the unreachable Help me now to do the impossible Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free So show me how to see what Your mercy sees Help me now to give what You gave to me Forgiveness, Forgiveness

the highlighted words stand out to me

" It'll clear the bitterness away.   It can even set a prisoner free.  There is no end to what it's power can do.  So, let it go and be amazed.   By what you see through eyes of grace . The prisoner that it really frees is you"

you see, by forgiving even the worst of sins done to us, we are the one who becomes free. it's amazing how Jesus works in this way.   i cannot say this is easy, but through Him you can let go and experience this freedom.   is there something that is holding you as a prisoner today?  is there someone who has hurt you beyond repair?   go to our Lord and ask Him to show you how to experience this freedom.  ask Him to heal your heart, so that you can experience your life to its fullest. its not an easy road, but i guarantee you will find blessings at the end of it.  and maybe for you its not a big thing but a lot of small things that have just added up over time.   don't harbor those feelings inside.

or are you the "someone" that needs forgiveness? do you feel like your sins are too much for God to forgive?   do you live with guilt and the burden of not even forgiving yourself?  the bible clearly speaks to us on this as well many times.   i'll leave you with another verse:

Acts 13:38 “Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.

don't let an unforgiving heart rob you of today.   i pray these passages will speak to you as they have to me.

please continue to follow our blog circle and see what scripture the fabulous  Gail Pomare | Santa Cruz, San Jose Lifestyle Photographer has to share with us this month.  i am always very inspired by her words and images.

we love lucy

you may remember my gorgeous sister and her family from her maternity session a couple months ago.  i am happy to announce that they have just welcomed their sweet baby girl lucy.   i was over the moon that i got to be present right after her birth and able to capture some very special and intimate moments of their sweet family.   we have decided to keep those private just for their family to enjoy and remember that special day. BUT, today i am here to share with you some beautiful shots of lucy, mama and big sister.   it means so much to me to live so close to my sister now.  there is something so special about having a sister and i am so blessed to have her in my life.  i am so proud of her and the mama she is to her babies.   katie, i love you all so much and couldn't be more excited to see your family grow...

 

ten on ten l the june edition

thanks for continuing to follow this fun lifestyle project.  if this is your first time here, please follow this link to read more about the ideas behind it. this month's 10 on 10 evolved after an afternoon of fishing with our three children.   now that the lake is in our backyard the children love spending the late afternoons and early mornings with daddy on the lake.   according to my oldest, mom's casting skills aren't quite up to par.   this particular afternoon, our youngest, who is 2, had her first turn with the fishing pole.  big sissy had received a "real" full size youth rod from daddy that morning, so she passed her "barbie rod" down to baby sissy.

i am thankful to have the details of this fun first of our baby girl.

please follow along with the other talented ladies in my group. first up is Jennifer Kruk Photography.  i am certain she will have some beautiful images to enjoy.

project 52 l week 22 l innocence

"the moment in between what you once were, and who you are now becoming, is where the dance of life really takes place"

barbara de angelis

this week our theme for project 52 is innocence...

i see her and i still see my firstborn baby fresh in my arms.  the most innocent of beings.   i can feel it like it was yesterday. it is true, eight years have passed. i see her still so innocent even in a world that wants otherwise.  yet, she is in that moment in between what she once was and who she is now becoming...

please continue on with our blog circle and see what the super talented Mary Schannen of Melange Photography has this week...

a handsome boy turns one

last month i got to spend the morning with the cutest one year old and his super special parents.   i can't really say which was the better time...shooting the photos of this handsome boy or hanging out on the back porch of our house with his parents.  both were lovely.   tammy was a friend from high school who i had not seen in years. i love seeing old friends who are now mothers.   her love for her son really shines through all of these photos.   tammy i hope you love these and i thank you for being so patient as i worked on them.  can't wait to see you again soon.

project 52 l week 20 l power

this week's theme for project 52 is power.  we were at Walt Disney World last saturday.   i couldn't help but notice how enamored our three children were with the race cars.  they stared at them in awe.   the noise of their engines intrigued them.  this was the first time our youngest (who is 2) was tall enough to join us.  so, we split up into two cars...the girls and the boys.   this meant both my oldest daughter and our son would get to drive.   they were ecstatic.  they would have the power behind the wheel.

and before i go i have to leave you with this one of our sweet baby girl.  she FINALLY got her own mickey mouse ears..and as you can see, she was quite smitten.  love her.

i'd say they are all pretty special to this mama.

please follow our blog circle and see the amazing image mary schannen of melange photography has this week.