I see you and I love you.

Whenever we go to the pool you ask to swim through my legs. You call out for me to watch you do your underwater flip. You yell mama watch me as you jump from the edge.

Many times my eyes are on baby sister and I can't give you my full attention and then many times I've given you an ungraceful and selfish answer. Today, I want to say I am sorry. 
There have been moments that it feels like you've asked me to watch the same thing a million times. Moments, when I just wanted to sit by the pool side in quiet, lost in my own thoughts. It's quite embarrassing to say this out loud. To admit my own selfish desires and shortcomings. But I have to be honest. I always want to be honest with you children. I am far from perfect. 
The other day I read an article and it reminded me that you won't always be asking for my approval. For my attention. For my praise. It reminded me that there will come a day you won't need me anymore. Not in the same ways you do now. That I won't be such a huge part of your world. I know it. Things will change. No matter what I do or don't do, this is part of the growing process. The words from the article keep going through my mind. They challenge me daily to live fully in these moments because I know one day, it will all be so different. I will long for questions and noise and to be needed. I will long to be right here. 

Today, I want to remind you how much I love you. How much I love being your mama. There will be days that I feel depleted and will need your grace and unyielding love; yet, my prayer is that most days I make it known that I hear you and see you and love you . That I'm so proud of you. And I hope you always know what a gift motherhood truly is for me. 

Shower love.

Grateful for simplicity.

You have very few toys, but I think you are quite content. You ask  to be "out" all the time. And you could sit and play in the water all day long.

There's a simplicity of life at this age and I'm trying to savor each moment. Yes, there are days this is hard. Tantrums have set in and moods rise and fall. But it doesn't take long to look across the house and see quite vividly how quick this season will pass. Words never seem to truly share how grateful I feel to have this chance again.

Overflowing bubbles.

sitting in the clouds

birthday cake-one day late

Today, you had your birthday cake. One day late. Just us at home on the back porch. You loved your cake so much.  I think chocolate must be your favorite. After having your cake, we spent some time by the lake.   Love these simple moments, watching you explore. 

togetherness and courage in the unknown

Today, our oldest daughter took part in our regional ODP ( Olympic Development Program) training for soccer. We made the decision to go as a family . With it being almost a two hour drive, it would have been easier to have me stay behind with our baby and 6 and 9 year olds; but we decided to all go to support big sister. I'm so grateful we made this choice. 
Our daughter had been nervous all week. Fearful of the unknown. On the drive there , she was especially anxious. As a family, we prayed with her. We encouraged her. She asked me to read her scripture to help calm her nerves. 

She got there and she did great. She was surrounded by new people, new coaches and new expectations. It was over 90 degrees out and she didn't give up. I was so proud of the courage she showed. For relying on God to help her. To face the unknown head on. These small steps, I believe, build character for future big steps. I was so thankful her siblings were there to love her, to encourage her and to see her example. 

When we got home, they asked to go down to the lake. I look at the four of them and am thankful for all that we are experiencing together. Truly, there is something wonderful to see love grow between your children. To see them raise up one another. To see them be a unit. And while, there are many moments in between that include fighting and competing, these moments remind me that love is at their core.

it's hot outside

When the highs are in the 90's our afternoons most often involve water. 

watching. contemplating. and jumping.

Afternoons on the lake with our cousins are always fun. 

taking it all in

Yes, my love, you will be with them soon enough. Let's enjoy every minute of you right here by mama.

trust

At 11 years old, she is wise and mature beyond her years; yet she is in no rush to grow up. I love the conversations we have as she is getting older. Last night, she came to my bed, where I was still awake tossing and turning. It was one of those nights that I had let worry get the best of me.

This has been a struggle for me most of my life. Worrying about the "what ifs" , that most often never present themselves. Worrying about the "hows" and "whens" of life. Not fully trusting in God and His plan; trying to find a way to control things myself. I know His truths and His love, but so often I give in to my own fears and anxiety.

My husband and I are open to our children about the weaknesses we struggle with. We want our children to see that God can overcome all. Last night, as we lay in bed, I shared with her all that was on my heart. I told her how I was praying for peace and that I wished I didn't worry; especially about some things that seem so silly. She held my hand and then shared with me the most beautiful words. There was a peace that came over me and I knew that God had used her to speak to me in that moment.

Today, I read these words from Francis Chan. "Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives."

If you are someone that also struggles with worrying and fear, my prayer is that we will all remember our God is big enough for any worry we have. For any trial we will face. But, more than that, let's not forget that He loves us just the way we are. He created us, so who better to understand all that we are facing than Him? In all openness and transparency, this is easier said than done for me at times. My prayer, is to believe it and live it.

friday's recess

splash zone

sun and light

water and light. stops me every single time.

and this boy. oh, how i love his heart. what a blessing to have him to love and protect three sisters. such a gift to all of us.

captain

The worries of life could be infinite; our health, our finances, our family, our relationships, our future. Through the years God has definitely shown me time and time again that He is in control, that I need to let go of worry and fear and trust solely in Him and His plan.

At 39 and pregnant with number four, there is a lot on my heart and mind. During our 3rd pregnancy I got really sick and our daughter was born almost 8 weeks premature. Those frightening hours have been making their way to the forefront of my mind; yet, I keep finding His peace amidst all the fears that want to take over. Life may not always go the way we envision. It will have its detours, but if we keep our eyes on Him, He will always point us to where we need to be.

I can’t stop thinking about the lyrics to the song called Captain by Hillsong United. Typically, I only share a portion of a song that is speaking to me, but today, there wasn’t a part I felt I could NOT share. I hope these words will speak to your heart as well. No matter what uncharted waters you are going through, always know, you are not alone.

Through waters uncharted my soul will embark
I'll follow Your voice straight into the dark
And if from the course You intend
I depart
Speak to the sails of my wandering heart
Like the wind
You'll guide
Clear the skies before me
And I'll glide this open sea
Like the stars
Your Word
Will align my voyage
And remind me where I've been
And where I am going
Lost in the shallows amidst fear and fog
Your truth is the compass that points me back north
Jesus
My Captain
My soul's trusted Lord
All my allegiance is rightfully Yours

never alone

He is our only son; compassionate, caring, and sensitive. His heart is as pure as I know. His mind still so innocent. 
As much as I know all of this, I also know the realities waiting in the world. The world that will want to change him. To change his heart and mind. There is so much this generation faces in their youth. It's not that past generations didn't have the same challenges, they just seem to come younger and stronger now. Addictions to so many things...drugs, alcohol, pornography, fame, gambling, material possessions. The list is infinite. It scares me how much corruption our children can be exposed to and how innocently it can happen. Its such a reality that can't be ignored. 
I keep thinking about these words from Need to Breathe.

Ramblers in the wilderness we can't find what we need
Get a little restless from the searching
Get a little worn down in between
Like a bull chasing the matador is the man left to his own schemes
Everybody needs someone beside them shining like a lighthouse from the sea

Brother let me be your shelter
I'll never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you're low
Brother let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

More than ever, I believe it is so important for our children to have godly influences in their lives as friends. We can guide and direct our children, but there comes a time that friends and peers begin to play a huge role in their world. My prayer is that our son and each of our girls will have friends who they can count on to be "their shelter." Friends, that will be there to "light the way and bring them home" should they start to get off God's path for their lives. Additionally, I pray that each of our children can be Christ's light to those they are around. As the song says, "everyone needs someone beside them shining like a lighthouse from the sea"

mud baths

fresh air

After days and days of rain.. a few minutes of fresh air did wonders for both of us.

their love

If I were asked to describe their relationship I would say loud, rambunctious, wild, fun, joyous.....and overflowing with love. I love seeing their relationship and all that it is now at 5 and 8 years old. What a gift they are to each other. 

the neighbor's sprinkler and pretty light