I see you and I love you.

Whenever we go to the pool you ask to swim through my legs. You call out for me to watch you do your underwater flip. You yell mama watch me as you jump from the edge.

Many times my eyes are on baby sister and I can't give you my full attention and then many times I've given you an ungraceful and selfish answer. Today, I want to say I am sorry. 
There have been moments that it feels like you've asked me to watch the same thing a million times. Moments, when I just wanted to sit by the pool side in quiet, lost in my own thoughts. It's quite embarrassing to say this out loud. To admit my own selfish desires and shortcomings. But I have to be honest. I always want to be honest with you children. I am far from perfect. 
The other day I read an article and it reminded me that you won't always be asking for my approval. For my attention. For my praise. It reminded me that there will come a day you won't need me anymore. Not in the same ways you do now. That I won't be such a huge part of your world. I know it. Things will change. No matter what I do or don't do, this is part of the growing process. The words from the article keep going through my mind. They challenge me daily to live fully in these moments because I know one day, it will all be so different. I will long for questions and noise and to be needed. I will long to be right here. 

Today, I want to remind you how much I love you. How much I love being your mama. There will be days that I feel depleted and will need your grace and unyielding love; yet, my prayer is that most days I make it known that I hear you and see you and love you . That I'm so proud of you. And I hope you always know what a gift motherhood truly is for me. 

Never alone

Over the weekend, I was up with this sweet babe multiple times. Another ear infection. Fussiness. And sleepless nights for both of us. 
At one point, I was in tears. Feeling so alone and so exhausted. 
My mind wandered to how many other mothers out there feel alone. 

Sleepless babies.
Temperamental toddlers.
Pre-school children testing their limits.
Children with health issues.
Children with learning disabilities and struggles.
Teens that are rebelling.
Adult children with adult problems. 

Moms, not one of you; not one of us is alone. 

It may feel like it as you look around at others and think they have it so easy; that they have it all together as we see only snippets into their realities. 

As I sat there sleepless and awake in bed, I realized again that these hard moments of motherhood make me appreciate the beauty and simplicity of the other days. That I have empathy for other mothers that I may not have otherwise. That I have a realization of grace I may not have known. That I have a chance to use these moments to grow in ways I may not have seen I needed. And ultimately, that I have a chance to seek Him more and trust that His plan is infinitely better than any plan I could write. 

So to the mama that is reading this and feeling alone, please know, you are not. That there are many mamas going through these same valleys and mountains with you. Maybe not together in proximity, but together in heart. And far better than that, there is a God who loves you immeasurably and will never forsake you. 

Grateful for simplicity.

You have very few toys, but I think you are quite content. You ask  to be "out" all the time. And you could sit and play in the water all day long.

There's a simplicity of life at this age and I'm trying to savor each moment. Yes, there are days this is hard. Tantrums have set in and moods rise and fall. But it doesn't take long to look across the house and see quite vividly how quick this season will pass. Words never seem to truly share how grateful I feel to have this chance again.

thirteen

As I think back on the day you were born, it feels as real as yesterday. No one could have ever prepared me for motherhood. For the love that would engulf my life in such a powerful way. 
For the past few years, I've watched you change little by little. Truthfully, I was nervous as I began to feel the shift and as you began to travel through foreign waters. 

Today, I feel a peace as I see the beautiful young lady you are becoming. You are filled with grace, love and wisdom beyond your years. Your faith in Jesus continues to grow and I've seen you lean on Him for strength and understanding. I'm so thankful for you and the lessons you continue to teach me. My prayer, is to be fully present in these days with you; to guide you and love you right where you are. I realize more than ever how precious our days, talks and moments together truly are. 

In those early years, it felt like we had forever together. Today, as we celebrate 13 years of you, forever doesn't seem like enough.

World Prematurity Day

"But first, remember, remember, remember..." -C.S. Lewis

Today is world prematurity day. Our two youngest. Both preemies. One born almost 8 weeks early and the other 5 weeks early. One stayed in the NICU, while the other went home with us within three days of being born. Both miracles. 

The challenges drew me closer to God and I felt Him during those valleys in the most beautiful way. It's amazing how our pain and darkness can make our eyes so much more open to His light. How we become aware of much more. 

It's almost like we live in a fog when everything seems to be easy and just right. We let the wrong things consume our minds and our time. Our hearts and lives. I am striving to remember the valleys. To hold on to that longing. To the pain and fears He overcame. That need, that only He fills. 

Today, and everyday, as I look at you both and I am reminded that His plans are perfect. His story unfolds through each one of us and I feel so thankful you are a part of my story. That He has used motherhood to bring me closer to Him. To make me more alive and more in awe.

football dreams

You always have a football. 

You are counting the days until you can play football for a team. We've told you that you can try out in middle school. I know this feels like an eternity to you. But, I also know just how fast the time will pass.

I worry about your sensitive spirit. But I know there are times we have to let our children fly. To be brave. To try. Win or lose. And be there no matter what the outcome. It's not easy. Not for this mama.

not alone

I was listening to a talk radio show today with Chris Brooks with guest Ann Voskamp. A mom called in and spoke of her anxiety and depression. Her feelings of failure, especially as a mother. 

I couldn't help but think of how many other mothers are out there feeling some or all of these same feelings. Mothers that are silent but feeling so much pain. So much brokenness. So often when we are feeling broken we go inward. We don't share. We keep things to ourselves. We retreat. But if we can find one other person who relates and understands what we are feeling. There can be "healing, shalom, and abundance" Ann's thoughts on this were so profound.

She said, "when two people are really vulnerable about their brokenness and take off their masks, then we unmask Christ and all the power of Christ. ".

I just wanted to share this here. Because none of us are alone. At some point in our lives we will all face brokenness . If we can really embrace the beauty that can come out of it and realize that we aren't alone. And that we can bless others so much by opening ourselves. I think we will all gain so much. We will all feel a great freedom.

Right here, right now.

Yesterday, I celebrated 41 years of life. We spent the afternoon at the Gulf, at one of my most favorite places. As we drove home last night, my eyes filled with tears. There was a sense of joy and peace I felt. I realize so often in life we are living in "waiting". Waiting for the next thing. Whatever that may be. All I could think about was how right now feels. How grateful I am to be here and to know love like I do. At 41, I wish for nothing more, but to be here, aware and present in all God has given me. To truly soak in each of these moments. I'm grateful for every year that has brought me to today. Grateful for lessons learned and abundant grace. Most of all, I'm grateful for the story Christ continues to write for me. Without Him and His love, nothing would be the same.

My birthday at the beach

Today, I got to spend my birthday at one of my most favorite places. So grateful for 41 years of life. Thankful for the lessons God has taught me each day. Thankful for the love He has given me. Thankful for his abundant and never ending grace. 

baking mom a birthday cake

This fall she wrote an essay on what made her unique. In her writing she talked about how much she loves being home schooled and how it has allowed her to have a closer relationship with her siblings; especially her baby sister. Last week I walked into the kitchen when she was baking a birthday cake for me. Seeing the two of them like this. Day after day. My heart couldn't be more grateful for the path God carved for our family.

twelve

Each birthday is bittersweet. The years seem to fly; each one seems faster than the one before. We savor the days together, but time is something all too precious that cannot be slowed down. 

She feels it too now. She is in no rush to grow up. I love that about her. I am starting to see glimpses of what she will be like as a woman; now in this space between child and adult. 
She feels with all her heart and is full of compassion. She is grace and teaches me daily more than I ever dreamed. 

I pray she will continue to seek God, to lean on Him always. 

So grateful for this girl and the day I became a mama twelve years ago.

Life is Messy

There's no way around it; life is messy. 

I believe the more years I live on this Earth, the more accepting and embracing I am of this truth. I slowly want to let go of this "everything is beautiful" image and hold strong to the fact of how beautiful broken truly can be.

It's more than a beauty we see with our eyes and more than a beautiful picture we capture with our camera. It's a beauty that is only felt. A beauty we feel day by day as we live in these spaces of life; learning, failing, growing, and rejoicing in the moments we do see success. It's beauty we find in the mess as we shut the door to the world, crying and wondering if we will ever get it right. It's a beauty we feel as we let our hearts become vulnerable and believe that God loves us right where we are today. 

Months ago I read these words from Matt Chandler and today, I am once again reminded of this truth. “God doesn’t love some future version of you, He loves you now.”

So many of us have lived with these chains for many years. Lies that hold us down, telling us we aren't good enough. We don't do enough. We aren't enough. And no we aren't enough on our own. WE NEVER WILL BE. But with Christ, our messy days, our messy lives, can become something extraordinarily beautiful. With HIS grace and HIS love, we are made new every day. And for this I am grateful. 

I pray each of us can be vulnerable enough, confident enough; to let each other in to our messes. This is where I believe we will all find true beauty in our lives.

the gift of motherhood

I remember when she was only a couple years old. I couldn't imagine having a tween. There was a part of me that mourned each birthday; scared that the best years were behind us.

Now, she's 11 and I have loved every age and stage so much. Yes, I still wish time would slow down but I'm enjoying each year in new ways. I love the long talks we have, the deep conversations we share and watching her bloom wings. It's really beautiful seeing the girl she is becoming.

Mamas with young ones; don't get discouraged or sad as the years pass because the years ahead hold so much beauty as well. Motherhood is truly a gift that keeps giving with every passing year.

expecting number four

I am so grateful for this group of women that encourage me to get in the frame each month with my children. I have boxes and boxes of pictures from my youth. I became a mother 11 years ago and somehow the pictures with me in them get fewer and fewer with each passing year.

Now, 39 years young and pregnant with baby number four, getting in the frame is a real struggle for me. It's hard to embrace the way our bodies change and age over the years. And then pregnancy has an added effect to all of this. It’s never easy to have our bodies change, but then having it become a focal point for many conversations makes getting in the pictures that much harder.

Yet, no matter what I feel like when I look at myself in the mirror, something happens when I am surrounded by our children. I feel a beauty, a peace and a love that nothing compares to. Each month when I look back on these moments, all I can feel is gratitude.

My eyes fill with tears as I look at this picture of our oldest daughter and our youngest daughter now growing in my stomach. What a gift motherhood has been. I have learned so much and continue to grow in ways I never imagined. I can only look at this body of mine changing and thank God daily. This baby is truly a miracle; one we prayed for many years.

Please, follow the link and see the beautiful mothers and the love that overflows from each one of them. 
http://www.whereveriamwithyou.com/

amazing grace

We were walking through the grocery store last week when I told our youngest daughter that she could pick a toy for a treat that she had earned. She picked a Barbie. A few aisles later, she changed her mind; which is pretty common. She began crying and saying she wanted something different. I told her we would not be going back to that aisle until we finished shopping. Her tears escalated. Her voice became loud. Her feet began kicking in the cart. I pulled over, to have as much privacy as I could find at the grocery story, to discipline her. I explained that she would no longer get anything, because of her behavior. She now escalated into a full tantrum. Yes, at 5, our daughter was screaming throughout the grocery store, in true spoiled fashion. Her brother and sister were mortified. On this particular occasion, I couldn't leave our groceries and go home. I had to finish shopping. We proceeded to the checkout line and her screaming continued. 

I stood there in complete embarrassment as the cashiers all around us tried to make her feel better, all the while, she continued with her fit. We finally got home and dealt with the issue and we then moved forward; yet, that day still feels fresh in my mind. 

As mothers, as parents, we never really have it all together. Our kids certainly don’t have it together at all times. Motherhood is a constant journey of humility and grace. There are times I still strive for some unrealistic appearance. And there are days that I somehow manage to wear that mask well. Sadly, I think we all fall into this performance at some point. 

I would love for more of us to truly come together as a tribe of mothers. A transparent tribe that says this is certainly a wonderful journey, but it’s also hard. We can be grateful and love the gift of motherhood, but we can be humble enough to show others that we aren't super mom or super woman. We all have struggles, some more visible, some more hidden from the world. We will have our moments when we shine and times when our kids shine, but this isn't a reality that we can portray 100% of the time. We need to encourage our sisters in motherhood through their triumphs and their trials. Let’s give ourselves permission to take our masks off and show our moments or days of weakness. This doesn't mean we aren't strong, in fact, having the courage to do this requires strength far greater than we often realize.

I want other mothers to look at me and see that I love our children and I am doing the best I can. I will mess up just as much, if not more than our children. I pray God will continue to mold me and my family on this journey. And my vision of success is not having it all together; it’s displaying grace and humility to all those I am around. Through this, I have found a new compassion and admiration for all mothers; for all people. 

This image was from the same day we had our grocery store incident. I see her and all I see is our smiling sunshine. Grace; it is something pretty amazing, even on the hardest of days.

We were walking through the grocery store last week when I told our youngest daughter that she could pick a toy for a treat that she had earned. She picked a Barbie. A few aisles later, she changed her mind; which is pretty common. She began crying and saying she wanted something different. I told her we would not be going back to that aisle until we finished shopping. Her tears escalated. Her voice became loud. Her feet began kicking in the cart. I pulled over, to have as much privacy as I could find at the grocery story, to discipline her. I explained that she would no longer get anything, because of her behavior. She now escalated into a full tantrum. Yes, at 5, our daughter was screaming throughout the grocery store, in true spoiled fashion. Her brother and sister were mortified. On this particular occasion, I couldn't leave our groceries and go home. I had to finish shopping. We proceeded to the checkout line and her screaming continued. 

I stood there in complete embarrassment as the cashiers all around us tried to make her feel better, all the while, she continued with her fit. We finally got home and dealt with the issue and we then moved forward; yet, that day still feels fresh in my mind. 

As mothers, as parents, we never really have it all together. Our kids certainly don’t have it together at all times. Motherhood is a constant journey of humility and grace. There are times I still strive for some unrealistic appearance. And there are days that I somehow manage to wear that mask well. Sadly, I think we all fall into this performance at some point. 

I would love for more of us to truly come together as a tribe of mothers. A transparent tribe that says this is certainly a wonderful journey, but it’s also hard. We can be grateful and love the gift of motherhood, but we can be humble enough to show others that we aren't super mom or super woman. We all have struggles, some more visible, some more hidden from the world. We will have our moments when we shine and times when our kids shine, but this isn't a reality that we can portray 100% of the time. We need to encourage our sisters in motherhood through their triumphs and their trials. Let’s give ourselves permission to take our masks off and show our moments or days of weakness. This doesn't mean we aren't strong, in fact, having the courage to do this requires strength far greater than we often realize.

I want other mothers to look at me and see that I love our children and I am doing the best I can. I will mess up just as much, if not more than our children. I pray God will continue to mold me and my family on this journey. And my vision of success is not having it all together; it’s displaying grace and humility to all those I am around. Through this, I have found a new compassion and admiration for all mothers; for all people. 

This image was from the same day we had our grocery store incident. I see her and all I see is our smiling sunshine. Grace; it is something pretty amazing, even on the hardest of days.

soaking it in

Some days I just stop and stare at her. And I wonder how we both got here. She will be 11 in less than a month. I will be 40 in less than a year. I remember when my dad turned 40. I can still see the black balloons and the “lordy, lordy, look who’s forty” decorations. Most days, I still feel like I should still be in college; yet, the reality is that my own children are now closer to college age than myself.

We pour our hearts and our souls into our children; abundantly loving and teaching them. Sometime during all those years, our own youth starts to fade as we watch our children from the sidelines; cheering them every step of the way. There is definitely not one defining moment, but something so gradual that takes place. Sure, we sort of notice it on birthdays, but each birthday somehow turns into two decades of life quicker than we ever imagined.

I wouldn't trade one moment or year of this bittersweet circle of life. These years of motherhood have been filled with lessons I needed to learn; lessons that will be etched in my heart forever. I have experienced true joys and sorrows and realized the meaning of selfless love. I changed.. my heart changed.

Yes, somewhere along the way, I grew up, while watching them begin to grow. It’s a blessing unlike any I have ever known and it is why some days I just stop and stare. I nostalgically wish these days didn’t have to end, yet I know the reality is quite the opposite. It is the reality that brings tears to my eyes and a big lump in my throat. It is the reality that knocks me in the face every birthday we celebrate, with every year that flies quicker than the one before.

I know that these moments are fleeting and I want to just soak them in, however I can.

calm among chaos

No doubt, the days of motherhood can feel chaotic and messy at times. And then there are moments like this. The moments we can just be. 

This is one image of a collaborative project called Wherever I am With You, involving a group of mothers who make it a priority to get in the frame with our children each month. 

just as we are

A love without expectations or limits. Loving each other just as we are.

I have a lovely group of friends who encourage each other to get in the frame each month. You can see our collaboration this month here.