thirteen

As I think back on the day you were born, it feels as real as yesterday. No one could have ever prepared me for motherhood. For the love that would engulf my life in such a powerful way. 
For the past few years, I've watched you change little by little. Truthfully, I was nervous as I began to feel the shift and as you began to travel through foreign waters. 

Today, I feel a peace as I see the beautiful young lady you are becoming. You are filled with grace, love and wisdom beyond your years. Your faith in Jesus continues to grow and I've seen you lean on Him for strength and understanding. I'm so thankful for you and the lessons you continue to teach me. My prayer, is to be fully present in these days with you; to guide you and love you right where you are. I realize more than ever how precious our days, talks and moments together truly are. 

In those early years, it felt like we had forever together. Today, as we celebrate 13 years of you, forever doesn't seem like enough.

13 months

This little ray of sunshine is 13 months today. I couldn't help but think back to a year ago today. You were still so tiny... trying to gain weight. Reflux. Gas pains. I felt overwhelmed and at a loss for how to soothe you. I worried it would last forever. Goodness the newborn days are so bittersweet. Hard and tiring yet so beautiful too. Thankful for God's provision and grace giving me the strength I needed. 

And here we are today. You are the most smiley, waving, happy baby I could dream of. You are now taking steps. Eating non stop and still nursing pretty much non stop too. And yes... you love, love, love your baths. 

a year to remember

Yesterday, we began taking all of our Christmas decorations down. Out of nowhere in the middle of the cleaning and packing, tears came over me. 

You know, every month that passed in 2016 was bitter sweet. We would celebrate another milestone of your life. Our miracle. Our final baby that God blessed us with. And each month, it was hard for me. Because, no matter what with you, everything felt so fast. And all the emotions felt magnified a bit. It's hard to put in words, but if you've been there you know. When you've dreamed of something so long and prayed so hard and then you are living that dream.. you want to soak every breath in and then some. 

Well December came and surprisingly I wasn't anxious about your first birthday. I was so in the moment of the season and grateful for everything we'd been through. The celebration of it all was so beautiful. The reminders all month of Christ and His gift to us. 

And then yesterday, as I put everything away it hit me unexpectedly. The year. Your first year. It was over. And for those moments I mourned a bit. I know. I have so much to be abundantly grateful for. But I felt a bit of loss. So many firsts, milestones, beautiful moments came flashing through my memory. And for that time. I let myself grieve that yes it had passed. 

But the story doesn't end there. No. There is hope and anticipation of all things new. Yes, time has a way of passing quickly. And I feel like the older each of you get, the faster the years fly by. I can grieve this, or I can keep trying to be in the moments with each of them, learning more about love and grace daily. I am certain, I will choose the later.

Today, I am giving myself grace for those moments of grief. As selfish as they felt, I needed that time. 

before we know it

You haven't wanted to play in this much lately. You are crawling all over the house and trying to balance by yourself now standing. You walk around holding onto furniture and I am certain it won't be long before you take off on your own.  BUT....today, you crawled over and you wanted to get in. I am so grateful for you and the light you bring all of us. 

training wheels off

Your training wheels are off and away you go. 

You were definitely ready. It took all of about ten minutes before you had mastered balancing your bike without the training wheels. That night you even said, you were kind of disappointed because it happened so quickly.  I love you sweet girl.  You always shine with such spunk and joy. 

saying hi

You have learned to wave and say hi and bye. We are all so smitten with you my love. So thankful to have you in our world. 

Right here, right now.

Yesterday, I celebrated 41 years of life. We spent the afternoon at the Gulf, at one of my most favorite places. As we drove home last night, my eyes filled with tears. There was a sense of joy and peace I felt. I realize so often in life we are living in "waiting". Waiting for the next thing. Whatever that may be. All I could think about was how right now feels. How grateful I am to be here and to know love like I do. At 41, I wish for nothing more, but to be here, aware and present in all God has given me. To truly soak in each of these moments. I'm grateful for every year that has brought me to today. Grateful for lessons learned and abundant grace. Most of all, I'm grateful for the story Christ continues to write for me. Without Him and His love, nothing would be the same.

dinner and a bath

twelve

Each birthday is bittersweet. The years seem to fly; each one seems faster than the one before. We savor the days together, but time is something all too precious that cannot be slowed down. 

She feels it too now. She is in no rush to grow up. I love that about her. I am starting to see glimpses of what she will be like as a woman; now in this space between child and adult. 
She feels with all her heart and is full of compassion. She is grace and teaches me daily more than I ever dreamed. 

I pray she will continue to seek God, to lean on Him always. 

So grateful for this girl and the day I became a mama twelve years ago.

weekend reflection

The end to a great weekend away celebrating her 6th birthday . I think the highlight of the weekend for me was dinner at the America Girl doll store. Big brother and dad were awesome about joining us and the girls had such a fun time! We ended yesterday with a few hours at the Magic Kingdom.

This pregnant mama is exhausted. I realized yesterday marked 22 weeks and we are now on the downside. I am so grateful for this special time in the life of our family. Back to reality and our own beds tonight. Getting away is always nice but there's nothing like getting back home.

happy sixth birthday

Birthday wishes. It's hard to believe she has spent five birthdays in this home. Before moving back to Florida we had never lived in one home longer than about two years. 
Every time I see these four cousins together I am reminded of what a blessing this time is. I have three siblings ranging in age 13 years from oldest to youngest. Starting with the birth of our daughter, we each had a girl every six/nine months. Now these four girls all live on the same street, growing up together. I will never take these days for granted !

almost six

On Friday our baby girl turns 6. I came across these words I wrote last year at this same time:

“Every year as her birthday nears, I think back on those early days when she arrived almost 8 weeks early. Those days were filled with moments of darkness for me. With questions of uncertainty. With fear. With my own extreme sickness. Often times, I still get very emotional when I think of this time. There was a hope and light ever present amidst all of the darkness. God gave us every thing we needed. Now, every time I see this preemie of ours I am reminded fully of the light I needed in those dark hours. I am reminded that our plans may not be His, but how His are so much greater. Sometimes it takes days, months, even years to see it, but it is always true.”

Now, pregnant with our 4th child, my mind often fills with fears of what may come in the months ahead. I often worry that I will get sick again with pre-eclampsia or something different. There are days that the anxiety seems to take over; even when I know God is in control. And then, I look at our preemie and I remember we have never been forsaken.

God wants us to call on Him and seek Him. He wants us to find our rest in Him. None of us know what tomorrow holds and we cannot let worry steal today’s joys.

We celebrate our preemie’s six years of life and the strong willed, spirited, curious, loving girl she has become. She has brought us such joy during these years. I would not be who I am today without each and every experience God has brought me through. I am grateful for His provision and never ending grace.

Happy 6th birthday to our sweet girl.

“ His grace covers me. This is all I know. All I need” 
-unknown

popi's birthday

all by yourself

You got new sneakers for Christmas and have been determined to learn to tie them by yourself. This week you mastered it and you were super excited. My mama heart loved this moment for you.

flashback

I was raking and cleaning around our shed last week when all of the sudden I came across this memory of yesterday. I was instantly taken back to three years ago when our son played with these cars all over our home.

Slowly, they each went away; almost as if they never existed, but they were such a big part of him and our home for years. He loved these little cars so much.

Yes, childhood is fleeting. This memory was yet another reminder to savor each day and phase with our children. There is no doubt, some days feel mundane, yet in the blink of an eye, this time will be gone.

I love seeing the boy our son is becoming, now eight years old; yet there is a part of me that would love to go back to those days that passed so quickly. I'd love to get on the ground together and make those cars come to life again. I'd love to have the chance to linger a little bit more.

ten years later

Ten years ago we only had one child. She was easy going, well mannered, and shared with other children. I would dress her in precious outfits with her hair pulled nicely in a bow. Our house stayed clean and we were usually on time wherever we went.

As a young mother, I never really understood when I saw mothers with multiple children. They often seemed to be barely hanging on. They told stories that I didn't quite understand. I remember wondering how they let their children leave their homes dressed in many of the outfits I would see. I didn't understand how their children could “act” the way they did. I thought I had it all together. I thought things would never change for us.

I now see how prideful I was and how sinful my thoughts were. I am honestly quite embarrassed as I think back on those years.

Now, we have three children. I have laundry that is never caught up. I feel like we are never on time. I often go to bed exhausted with dirty dishes in the sink. Baths sometimes get skipped and the clothing battles with our youngest aren't worth the fight.

I have learned so much since we had our third child. Her strong willed nature and her flair for fashion have taught me many lessons. I no longer wonder how a mother can let her child leave the house wearing a glittery Elsa dress and crazy red boots. I no longer wonder why a child’s hair is a mess and face is juice stained red. I no longer wonder why a child is having a tantrum in the checkout aisle. I no longer wonder why a family shows up late for a dinner invitation. I no longer see messes in the homes I go into. I have learned that the people I see daily all have a story. Every family has a story. Each person has their own story. There is a story I deeply want to know.

I see so much beauty I didn't see before. I see mothers who love their children and are doing their best to care for them. I see mothers giving their children freedom to make their own choices. I see houses that are lived and loved in. I see children, who are slowly learning how to interact with others, but still in need of guidance and love. I see families that are doing their best to fulfill commitments; even if they are 15 minutes late. I see grace overflowing. Yes, grace is what I see now.

Ten years later, I see the world differently. I am grateful I can humbly see we are not a perfect family and I am not the mother who has it all together. I am a mother in need of God’s grace and love daily.I am a mother who loves my family and is doing the best I can. And I am a mother who still has so much to learn.

ten and a half

10 and a half.

You are swimming in a current somewhere between childhood and teen. A time that is filled with so many questions. A realization of the world and the vast views it holds. A time of so much change; some welcomed and some feared. An awareness of your peers and caring what they think. A time filled with emotions that are hard to express.

This growing time can feel like an ocean tossing you back and forth. We guide you, listen and try to help you navigate. We have been in your shoes, yet, it doesn't always help. Our prayer is for you to honor God always. To realize that your beauty and worth are found only in Him. To seek Him on days you feels lonely. To praise Him through everything. Most of all, we pray that you will know without a doubt that you are loved by us and Him.

These are only steps. Steps to becoming the woman God has planned for you. A small part of life, that can be so overwhelming at times. Yet, through it all, I somehow feel at peace. I know you are in His hands.

building big things

As I talk to mothers, I find that many are struggling to find purpose in their days. Whether they stay home or they work outside of the home. They ache to know there is value in this season.

I spend my days right now at home with the three of you. I cook meals. I do laundry. I pick up and then pick up some more. We spend time together learning. We spend time together playing. I simmer battles and nurture hearts. Truthfully, some days I am tired. I am weary. Some days I feel defeated in guiding your hearts towards love and obedience. I want to know that all of this is building something meaningful.

I am reminded of how beautiful each season of life can be when we look at its purpose through God’s eyes. Jennie Allen, shares these words in her book Restless. “Diapers and floors and food remind us that we are all human, and there is beauty and character formed in the mundane. But the most inconspicuous tasks usually are building big things we can’t see yet.”

If you are in a season that feels mundane, a season where you don’t quite see the bounty, take heart, God is working on something beautiful. I have faith, each of these moments are leading to something great.

It reminds me of baby Sissy learning to swing by herself. It took patience, practice, and determination. Some days she thought she would never master this skill. After much time, she felt the freedom and provisions of her hard work. Slowly, I am also seeing God’s provisions within our home.Though they may seem subtle at times, they are there. Jennie goes on to share the following, " Your view of your life may be small, but nothing about your life is small. Every moment is granted for purposes we can't see. Every breath is issued for eternal things left undone." 

Yes, the mundane, it is building big things.

hold me

Hold me.  Two simple words, yet they represent so much.  You are our baby girl who will be 5 in just a few months. You still want to be by my side, to be in my arms, to be carried whenever you can. I realize that these days won't last forever. I want to hold on to these memories in any way I can and I want to linger here a bit longer. I love you sweet girl. More than words will ever say.

(Each month I participate in a project with others mothers, making it a priority to get in the pictures. You can see our collaboration for this month here.)

the summer you became a fish

You are loving your new found freedom in the pool. I love watching your confidence and independence grow daily.   This is the summer you became a fish.