Never alone

Over the weekend, I was up with this sweet babe multiple times. Another ear infection. Fussiness. And sleepless nights for both of us. 
At one point, I was in tears. Feeling so alone and so exhausted. 
My mind wandered to how many other mothers out there feel alone. 

Sleepless babies.
Temperamental toddlers.
Pre-school children testing their limits.
Children with health issues.
Children with learning disabilities and struggles.
Teens that are rebelling.
Adult children with adult problems. 

Moms, not one of you; not one of us is alone. 

It may feel like it as you look around at others and think they have it so easy; that they have it all together as we see only snippets into their realities. 

As I sat there sleepless and awake in bed, I realized again that these hard moments of motherhood make me appreciate the beauty and simplicity of the other days. That I have empathy for other mothers that I may not have otherwise. That I have a realization of grace I may not have known. That I have a chance to use these moments to grow in ways I may not have seen I needed. And ultimately, that I have a chance to seek Him more and trust that His plan is infinitely better than any plan I could write. 

So to the mama that is reading this and feeling alone, please know, you are not. That there are many mamas going through these same valleys and mountains with you. Maybe not together in proximity, but together in heart. And far better than that, there is a God who loves you immeasurably and will never forsake you. 

not alone

I was listening to a talk radio show today with Chris Brooks with guest Ann Voskamp. A mom called in and spoke of her anxiety and depression. Her feelings of failure, especially as a mother. 

I couldn't help but think of how many other mothers are out there feeling some or all of these same feelings. Mothers that are silent but feeling so much pain. So much brokenness. So often when we are feeling broken we go inward. We don't share. We keep things to ourselves. We retreat. But if we can find one other person who relates and understands what we are feeling. There can be "healing, shalom, and abundance" Ann's thoughts on this were so profound.

She said, "when two people are really vulnerable about their brokenness and take off their masks, then we unmask Christ and all the power of Christ. ".

I just wanted to share this here. Because none of us are alone. At some point in our lives we will all face brokenness . If we can really embrace the beauty that can come out of it and realize that we aren't alone. And that we can bless others so much by opening ourselves. I think we will all gain so much. We will all feel a great freedom.

twelve

Each birthday is bittersweet. The years seem to fly; each one seems faster than the one before. We savor the days together, but time is something all too precious that cannot be slowed down. 

She feels it too now. She is in no rush to grow up. I love that about her. I am starting to see glimpses of what she will be like as a woman; now in this space between child and adult. 
She feels with all her heart and is full of compassion. She is grace and teaches me daily more than I ever dreamed. 

I pray she will continue to seek God, to lean on Him always. 

So grateful for this girl and the day I became a mama twelve years ago.

Life is Messy

There's no way around it; life is messy. 

I believe the more years I live on this Earth, the more accepting and embracing I am of this truth. I slowly want to let go of this "everything is beautiful" image and hold strong to the fact of how beautiful broken truly can be.

It's more than a beauty we see with our eyes and more than a beautiful picture we capture with our camera. It's a beauty that is only felt. A beauty we feel day by day as we live in these spaces of life; learning, failing, growing, and rejoicing in the moments we do see success. It's beauty we find in the mess as we shut the door to the world, crying and wondering if we will ever get it right. It's a beauty we feel as we let our hearts become vulnerable and believe that God loves us right where we are today. 

Months ago I read these words from Matt Chandler and today, I am once again reminded of this truth. “God doesn’t love some future version of you, He loves you now.”

So many of us have lived with these chains for many years. Lies that hold us down, telling us we aren't good enough. We don't do enough. We aren't enough. And no we aren't enough on our own. WE NEVER WILL BE. But with Christ, our messy days, our messy lives, can become something extraordinarily beautiful. With HIS grace and HIS love, we are made new every day. And for this I am grateful. 

I pray each of us can be vulnerable enough, confident enough; to let each other in to our messes. This is where I believe we will all find true beauty in our lives.

simply tuesday

"If it's true what Marion Roach Smith says, that small moments are where life is truly lived, then we have to count all the small moments, not just the pleasant ones. The day's also have small moments of rejection, humiliation, disappointment, regret, misunderstanding, heartache, and pain. These are our moments too. How we define "small moments" is crucial to seeing, embracing, and learning from our whole life, not just the pretty parts. These small moments can offer hints of a greater reality just like the lovely ones do. But in these, it can be harder to find." -Emily Freeman, Simply Tuesday

I don't know about you, but my day was certainly filled with an array of these not so lovely memorable moments. Beauty certainly was scattered throughout the day but there were also many small moments that I must stop and try to learn from. How do I need to grow? Where do our children need direction and grace today? How is God looking to use me today even amidst the no so pretty parts???

the gift of motherhood

I remember when she was only a couple years old. I couldn't imagine having a tween. There was a part of me that mourned each birthday; scared that the best years were behind us.

Now, she's 11 and I have loved every age and stage so much. Yes, I still wish time would slow down but I'm enjoying each year in new ways. I love the long talks we have, the deep conversations we share and watching her bloom wings. It's really beautiful seeing the girl she is becoming.

Mamas with young ones; don't get discouraged or sad as the years pass because the years ahead hold so much beauty as well. Motherhood is truly a gift that keeps giving with every passing year.

Light

It has been a long time since I have shared Pito’s story. Months of hard realities have passed as we have watched his health decline. Through it all there has been a light that has shined brighter than any dark moment.

A light I see in all of Pito’s children; my husband and his three brothers. A love and a bond that is so special to witness. A dedication to their parents and a love of family that is so evident in every decision they make.

And then there is Mita. A light that shines for all of us to admire. She has strength that amazes me with every passing day as I know her heart and body grow weary and tired. Grace that I learn from constantly. And faith that is unwavering. Her heart breaks while she stays by Pito’s side always, caring for him with devotion and love.

Many times in our lives we question God’s plans. We don't understand the paths He has us travelling, yet, if we keep seeking, we will find His light through all of it. He never forsakes us. And through it all, He show us pieces of Him through others and in subtleties of our lives.

I have seen Him through every part of Pito's story. May we all continue to hold strong to this truth :

"What we suffer now, is nothing compared to the Glory He will reveal to us later" Romans 8:18

amazing grace

We were walking through the grocery store last week when I told our youngest daughter that she could pick a toy for a treat that she had earned. She picked a Barbie. A few aisles later, she changed her mind; which is pretty common. She began crying and saying she wanted something different. I told her we would not be going back to that aisle until we finished shopping. Her tears escalated. Her voice became loud. Her feet began kicking in the cart. I pulled over, to have as much privacy as I could find at the grocery story, to discipline her. I explained that she would no longer get anything, because of her behavior. She now escalated into a full tantrum. Yes, at 5, our daughter was screaming throughout the grocery store, in true spoiled fashion. Her brother and sister were mortified. On this particular occasion, I couldn't leave our groceries and go home. I had to finish shopping. We proceeded to the checkout line and her screaming continued. 

I stood there in complete embarrassment as the cashiers all around us tried to make her feel better, all the while, she continued with her fit. We finally got home and dealt with the issue and we then moved forward; yet, that day still feels fresh in my mind. 

As mothers, as parents, we never really have it all together. Our kids certainly don’t have it together at all times. Motherhood is a constant journey of humility and grace. There are times I still strive for some unrealistic appearance. And there are days that I somehow manage to wear that mask well. Sadly, I think we all fall into this performance at some point. 

I would love for more of us to truly come together as a tribe of mothers. A transparent tribe that says this is certainly a wonderful journey, but it’s also hard. We can be grateful and love the gift of motherhood, but we can be humble enough to show others that we aren't super mom or super woman. We all have struggles, some more visible, some more hidden from the world. We will have our moments when we shine and times when our kids shine, but this isn't a reality that we can portray 100% of the time. We need to encourage our sisters in motherhood through their triumphs and their trials. Let’s give ourselves permission to take our masks off and show our moments or days of weakness. This doesn't mean we aren't strong, in fact, having the courage to do this requires strength far greater than we often realize.

I want other mothers to look at me and see that I love our children and I am doing the best I can. I will mess up just as much, if not more than our children. I pray God will continue to mold me and my family on this journey. And my vision of success is not having it all together; it’s displaying grace and humility to all those I am around. Through this, I have found a new compassion and admiration for all mothers; for all people. 

This image was from the same day we had our grocery store incident. I see her and all I see is our smiling sunshine. Grace; it is something pretty amazing, even on the hardest of days.

We were walking through the grocery store last week when I told our youngest daughter that she could pick a toy for a treat that she had earned. She picked a Barbie. A few aisles later, she changed her mind; which is pretty common. She began crying and saying she wanted something different. I told her we would not be going back to that aisle until we finished shopping. Her tears escalated. Her voice became loud. Her feet began kicking in the cart. I pulled over, to have as much privacy as I could find at the grocery story, to discipline her. I explained that she would no longer get anything, because of her behavior. She now escalated into a full tantrum. Yes, at 5, our daughter was screaming throughout the grocery store, in true spoiled fashion. Her brother and sister were mortified. On this particular occasion, I couldn't leave our groceries and go home. I had to finish shopping. We proceeded to the checkout line and her screaming continued. 

I stood there in complete embarrassment as the cashiers all around us tried to make her feel better, all the while, she continued with her fit. We finally got home and dealt with the issue and we then moved forward; yet, that day still feels fresh in my mind. 

As mothers, as parents, we never really have it all together. Our kids certainly don’t have it together at all times. Motherhood is a constant journey of humility and grace. There are times I still strive for some unrealistic appearance. And there are days that I somehow manage to wear that mask well. Sadly, I think we all fall into this performance at some point. 

I would love for more of us to truly come together as a tribe of mothers. A transparent tribe that says this is certainly a wonderful journey, but it’s also hard. We can be grateful and love the gift of motherhood, but we can be humble enough to show others that we aren't super mom or super woman. We all have struggles, some more visible, some more hidden from the world. We will have our moments when we shine and times when our kids shine, but this isn't a reality that we can portray 100% of the time. We need to encourage our sisters in motherhood through their triumphs and their trials. Let’s give ourselves permission to take our masks off and show our moments or days of weakness. This doesn't mean we aren't strong, in fact, having the courage to do this requires strength far greater than we often realize.

I want other mothers to look at me and see that I love our children and I am doing the best I can. I will mess up just as much, if not more than our children. I pray God will continue to mold me and my family on this journey. And my vision of success is not having it all together; it’s displaying grace and humility to all those I am around. Through this, I have found a new compassion and admiration for all mothers; for all people. 

This image was from the same day we had our grocery store incident. I see her and all I see is our smiling sunshine. Grace; it is something pretty amazing, even on the hardest of days.

perfectly imperfect

three words

I was in bed the other night, almost asleep, when she came into my room, her voice was full of excitement. She had been in her room reading a book called, Thoughts to Make Your Heart Sing. She asked if she could read something to me.

“What words does God want you to treasure in the deepest part of you? 
“Be good”? “Do it better”? “Try harder”? Are those the words God wrote in the Bible for us, to rescue and free us? 
No. Those words only show us what we can’t do. 
The words God wants us to remember are just three small ones: “I love you!”
They are the words that stop the terrible lie that Satan whispered to Eve in the garden: “God doesn't love you!”They are the words that heal the poison in our hearts that stops us from trusting God. 
They are the words that Jesus came to tell us with his whole life. 
They are words he died to prove. 
What words will you treasure today?”

My eyes almost filled with tears as she and I discussed this beautiful message. My heart was full. I was filled with so much faith and love as I heard her say these words out loud. I want her to believe and live her life in light of these three words. I want to live my own life, holding these three words close to my heart.

He loves us. Something so simple, yet incomprehensible at times. He will show us, always, even when we least expect it.

somewhere in between

I feel you growing in different ways. You are right there between childhood and the world of teenager. We are both navigating these waters together for the first time and it isn't always easy.  I know I fail you many days. I know there will be times you feel like I don't understand you, but please never forget how much I love you. Today, I found you in your room crying. You asked me if I was mad at you for something that had happened earlier in the day and I said no. There are times that I will be disappointed by your actions or words, but life is far too precious to hold on to these negative feelings. I have learned what loving unconditionally really means since becoming a mama. God has shown me grace over and over again through you and your brother and sister. As I've told you before, there were so many times I wasn't the daughter I should have been to Mimi and Popi. There were times I took them for granted and times I was disrespectful. I still mess up. My prayer is for you to really know the gift of grace, the gift of forgiveness, and the gift of love.  Some days will feel like valleys in this road of life. Use these times to grow and seek God first. Let Him be your rock always.  I love you forever.

Tears

My sweet, strong willed child. I love you and your desire for independence, but it sometimes brings on moments such as these. You got dressed today in your favorite dress and white sandals and mama asked you to change into something warmer. This did not make you happy.