Two weeks from today she will turn two. These days have been a blissful blur filled with abundant love and unyielding grace and growth. Honestly, it’s hard to remember a time without her as part of our family. 

Yet, as I look at her, tears will often stream down my face. The emotions still so raw. I remember the pain I felt. Crying in the bath at night, crying in the car, crying in bed when no one else would see. My heart longed for her. There was a feeling I could never really explain to other people. Like a piece of me was missing. I had so much to be grateful for in our three children, yet this longing never stopped. 

Last night, six young women and myself discussed how Jesus has been fully present in His relationship with each of us. 

I am always reminded of the years we spent praying and waiting for her. The years we endured so much from infertility, a high-risk pregnancy, and a premature delivery. Yes, I can look all around and see people with such easier stories. But I thank God for the plan He had with her. Those struggles and uncertainties. Those tears and those days of feeling so alone. He made Himself known. He was fully present through all of it. Growing me. Growing our family. Teaching us so much about His love and grace. 

I am often taken back to that Christmas night when she arrived five weeks early; our miracle in so many ways. And I am reminded that He is always near. So often in our struggles, we are tempted to ask: “where are you God?” Instead, may we all use these times to see and feel Him and His presence in ways we may have otherwise never experienced.