Whenever we go to the pool you ask to swim through my legs. You call out for me to watch you do your underwater flip. You yell mama watch me as you jump from the edge.
Many times my eyes are on baby sister and I can't give you my full attention and then many times I've given you an ungraceful and selfish answer. Today, I want to say I am sorry.
There have been moments that it feels like you've asked me to watch the same thing a million times. Moments, when I just wanted to sit by the pool side in quiet, lost in my own thoughts. It's quite embarrassing to say this out loud. To admit my own selfish desires and shortcomings. But I have to be honest. I always want to be honest with you children. I am far from perfect.
The other day I read an article and it reminded me that you won't always be asking for my approval. For my attention. For my praise. It reminded me that there will come a day you won't need me anymore. Not in the same ways you do now. That I won't be such a huge part of your world. I know it. Things will change. No matter what I do or don't do, this is part of the growing process. The words from the article keep going through my mind. They challenge me daily to live fully in these moments because I know one day, it will all be so different. I will long for questions and noise and to be needed. I will long to be right here.
Today, I want to remind you how much I love you. How much I love being your mama. There will be days that I feel depleted and will need your grace and unyielding love; yet, my prayer is that most days I make it known that I hear you and see you and love you . That I'm so proud of you. And I hope you always know what a gift motherhood truly is for me.
You will turn five on Thursday. Every year as your birthday nears, I think back on those early days when you arrived almost 8 weeks early. Those days were filled with moments of darkness for me. With questions of uncertainty. With fear. With my own extreme sickness. Often times, I still get very emotional when I think of this time. There was a hope and light ever present amidst all of the darkness. God gave us every thing we needed. Now, every time I see you, I am reminded fully of the light I needed in those dark hours. I am reminded that our plans may not be His, but how His are so much greater. Sometimes it takes days, months, even years to see it, but it is always true.
I LOVE being together as a family, but I think individual time is important to have with each child. This week we have enjoyed swimming at night--just the two of us. It's been such fun and we've had the opportunity for some wonderful conversations. It has been so special to have this time together and hear what is on your heart. There’s really something magical about these summer nights at the pool.