World Prematurity Day

"But first, remember, remember, remember..." -C.S. Lewis

Today is world prematurity day. Our two youngest. Both preemies. One born almost 8 weeks early and the other 5 weeks early. One stayed in the NICU, while the other went home with us within three days of being born. Both miracles. 

The challenges drew me closer to God and I felt Him during those valleys in the most beautiful way. It's amazing how our pain and darkness can make our eyes so much more open to His light. How we become aware of much more. 

It's almost like we live in a fog when everything seems to be easy and just right. We let the wrong things consume our minds and our time. Our hearts and lives. I am striving to remember the valleys. To hold on to that longing. To the pain and fears He overcame. That need, that only He fills. 

Today, and everyday, as I look at you both and I am reminded that His plans are perfect. His story unfolds through each one of us and I feel so thankful you are a part of my story. That He has used motherhood to bring me closer to Him. To make me more alive and more in awe.

before we know it

You haven't wanted to play in this much lately. You are crawling all over the house and trying to balance by yourself now standing. You walk around holding onto furniture and I am certain it won't be long before you take off on your own.  BUT....today, you crawled over and you wanted to get in. I am so grateful for you and the light you bring all of us. 

football dreams

You always have a football. 

You are counting the days until you can play football for a team. We've told you that you can try out in middle school. I know this feels like an eternity to you. But, I also know just how fast the time will pass.

I worry about your sensitive spirit. But I know there are times we have to let our children fly. To be brave. To try. Win or lose. And be there no matter what the outcome. It's not easy. Not for this mama.

a beautiful reminder

"I was faced with a dilemma - one so many of us face quite often; I could either wrestle my life and my kids and my house and our Christmas into something fantastic; something perfect... Or I could plant myself down right in the middle of the mess and realize that the mess is actually my life, the only one I'll ever get, the one I'm in danger of missing completely, waiting around for fantastic. That Christmas I chose to be present over perfect, and that's still what I choose today"-Shauna Niequist

I was watching the sun stream through the windows this weekend while she was taking a bath. I remember last year this time. Looking out this space; which at the time was a torn apart kitchen under construction. It was the start of the holiday season. It was also the start of me going on bed rest. The start of what would eventually become pre eclampsia and another premature birth. 

Those days were difficult; yet a year later I look back with such gratitude. I felt like my whole world was a mess. We couldn't cook or do laundry in our home for months. I was going to weekly doctor appointments and in and out of the hospital for observation; all of you were with us for almost every appointment. I felt like I was letting our family down. I couldn't go out and do Christmas activities. I couldn't decorate or bake or do the things I loved to do with you.
Through it all, love poured from so many. Our church provided meals for us. Mita took our laundry and lovingly cleaned our clothes. I'll never forget the day that Mimi showed up and decorated our home. Hallmark Christmas movies played a lot and we spent time as a family snuggled in bed, doing all I could to stay healthy. 

We were together. 

It was a time that is normally busy but became unusually slow. It was a beautiful reminder in being present and together. I pray that I can take that slow and infuse it into our Christmas each year. I don't want to try and orchestrate a pretty picture of some perfection that doesn't exist. I want to cherish these days and hold onto what this season is truly about and I don't want to miss the light that He has so graciously brought into my life.

soccer saturday

You needed to be nursed before we left for the soccer field.  And then you fell asleep with ten minutes until we needed to leave. Big sissy also needed help with her hair. I was about to help her when I noticed this scene. The two of you. Our oldest and youngest. Often times I can feel overwhelmed with getting to where we need to be. Making sure I have everything for everyone. But in this moment I just paused. There's so much beauty in these days. I don't ever want to be too busy or too consumed to notice. To be grateful.

training wheels off

Your training wheels are off and away you go. 

You were definitely ready. It took all of about ten minutes before you had mastered balancing your bike without the training wheels. That night you even said, you were kind of disappointed because it happened so quickly.  I love you sweet girl.  You always shine with such spunk and joy. 

loved and known

You were standing in the stairwell and noticed the sequins reflecting from the sun all over the curtains. You were fascinated and loved the sparkle they created.

You have always loved anything with sparkle. You love to dress up with costumes, fancy dresses, high heels, jewelry, and head bands. You also love make up and nail polish and often asks me why I don't wear makeup or fancy jewelry. You love singing and dancing and often live in a world of imagination. 

Big sissy is now in 7th grade; an age when many girls are wanting to try make up. She has no desire for make up and dress up clothes were always itchy to her. She asks me why people wear high heels and doesn't understand the purpose for them. Her fashion choices are much more simple and modest. She is devoted to soccer, dreams of playing in college and seems to enjoy most any sport she tries; while she also sings beautiful melodies and plays the guitar and ukulele. 

We can't predict what baby sissy will grow up to prefer, but it's fun watching you all. It's so important to me as your mother for you each to embrace what makes YOU unique. What makes YOU feel alive. For you to understand that God created you each with your own story and beauty. That you are loved and adored in soccer cleats and shorts or a dress and heels. You are loved running hard, spinning on a dance floor, playing in dirty, singing melodies, or quietly reading a book. That clothing, haircuts, sports, hobbies, and careers do not define us. 
I want you to be your own definition of strong. Your own definition of beautiful. 

I pray that you will know your true identity is in Christ alone. And that your strength comes from Him. You don't need the world's affirmation or definition of success. What you need is the light of Christ shining through you always.

Seek Him first and be the unique individual He created. Above all, I hope you never forget, no matter what, you are so loved.

moving the crib

We moved your crib yesterday.  You aren't technically in your own room yet, but you aren't next to mama's bed anymore.  It's hard to accept how fast the days go by. How quickly this year has flown, but I am beyond grateful for each moment with you. You are such a gift from God and I am still in awe that you are here. 

not alone

I was listening to a talk radio show today with Chris Brooks with guest Ann Voskamp. A mom called in and spoke of her anxiety and depression. Her feelings of failure, especially as a mother. 

I couldn't help but think of how many other mothers are out there feeling some or all of these same feelings. Mothers that are silent but feeling so much pain. So much brokenness. So often when we are feeling broken we go inward. We don't share. We keep things to ourselves. We retreat. But if we can find one other person who relates and understands what we are feeling. There can be "healing, shalom, and abundance" Ann's thoughts on this were so profound.

She said, "when two people are really vulnerable about their brokenness and take off their masks, then we unmask Christ and all the power of Christ. ".

I just wanted to share this here. Because none of us are alone. At some point in our lives we will all face brokenness . If we can really embrace the beauty that can come out of it and realize that we aren't alone. And that we can bless others so much by opening ourselves. I think we will all gain so much. We will all feel a great freedom.

saying hi

You have learned to wave and say hi and bye. We are all so smitten with you my love. So thankful to have you in our world. 

connections

A good friend will see things in us that we can't see about ourselves - Bob Goff

We all need a friend like this. Someone to affirm us, when we can't see our true gifts and talents. To tell us that we CAN do it, when fear has overcome us. We need a friend to remind us gently of grace. Grace for ourselves. Grace for others. When it feels like we just aren't getting anything right.

We need people who are our true fans. Who cheer us on without any jealousy or envy. 
Likewise, we need someone to look us straight in the eye and tell us when we need correction. When we are losing our way. We need people that can be honest and tell it like it is.

We need someone to pray for us. To hear us without judgement. To love us without conditions. 
And we need to be this friend to others. In a world that is so "connected" through social media and technology, it is hard to find friends that are truly connected through the heart. But, the effort and time it takes to truly connect with people wins every single time.

Halloween 2016

Kylo Ren and the decade girls. Happy Halloween

Right here, right now.

Yesterday, I celebrated 41 years of life. We spent the afternoon at the Gulf, at one of my most favorite places. As we drove home last night, my eyes filled with tears. There was a sense of joy and peace I felt. I realize so often in life we are living in "waiting". Waiting for the next thing. Whatever that may be. All I could think about was how right now feels. How grateful I am to be here and to know love like I do. At 41, I wish for nothing more, but to be here, aware and present in all God has given me. To truly soak in each of these moments. I'm grateful for every year that has brought me to today. Grateful for lessons learned and abundant grace. Most of all, I'm grateful for the story Christ continues to write for me. Without Him and His love, nothing would be the same.

My birthday at the beach

Today, I got to spend my birthday at one of my most favorite places. So grateful for 41 years of life. Thankful for the lessons God has taught me each day. Thankful for the love He has given me. Thankful for his abundant and never ending grace. 

baking mom a birthday cake

This fall she wrote an essay on what made her unique. In her writing she talked about how much she loves being home schooled and how it has allowed her to have a closer relationship with her siblings; especially her baby sister. Last week I walked into the kitchen when she was baking a birthday cake for me. Seeing the two of them like this. Day after day. My heart couldn't be more grateful for the path God carved for our family.

you, in our room

follow this link to see more from this series and to read my thoughts on these fleeting moments. 

dinner and a bath

togetherness and courage in the unknown

Today, our oldest daughter took part in our regional ODP ( Olympic Development Program) training for soccer. We made the decision to go as a family . With it being almost a two hour drive, it would have been easier to have me stay behind with our baby and 6 and 9 year olds; but we decided to all go to support big sister. I'm so grateful we made this choice. 
Our daughter had been nervous all week. Fearful of the unknown. On the drive there , she was especially anxious. As a family, we prayed with her. We encouraged her. She asked me to read her scripture to help calm her nerves. 

She got there and she did great. She was surrounded by new people, new coaches and new expectations. It was over 90 degrees out and she didn't give up. I was so proud of the courage she showed. For relying on God to help her. To face the unknown head on. These small steps, I believe, build character for future big steps. I was so thankful her siblings were there to love her, to encourage her and to see her example. 

When we got home, they asked to go down to the lake. I look at the four of them and am thankful for all that we are experiencing together. Truly, there is something wonderful to see love grow between your children. To see them raise up one another. To see them be a unit. And while, there are many moments in between that include fighting and competing, these moments remind me that love is at their core.

this season

She never has to worry about being lonely. There is always someone by her side ready to give her attention. With four children ages 12 to 8 months, I cherish these moments so much. All four together. I know how quickly seasons change and it won't always be like this. So, yes there are days with little quiet, days that seem filled to the brim, but I wouldn't trade one second of this time. The highs, the lows, the lessons learned; all come together and make up the beautiful unique story of motherhood. And as mamas, I know we all get it! The days that turn into weeks before we realize it. The babies turned big kids in the blink of our eyes. So, let's keep on encouraging each other. Loving one another through it all, because motherhood, it truly takes a village.

Your love for painting continues

Today, you created. I love watching you at work. I love seeing how your art has evolved over the years.  (follow this link to see more images from this afternoon and some thoughts about sharing our art)