kaleidoscope | november

kaleidoscope.wordmark-copy

Last year I became friends with a very special group of ladies and participated together in a 10 on 10 project. This year we wanted to continue to do a project together, but wanted to do something a little different. Our new project is called Kaleidoscope.

Kaleidoscope is derived from the Ancient Greek (kalos), “beautiful, beauty” (eidos), “that which is seen: form, shape” and (skopeo), “to look to, to examine.” Hence “observation of beautiful forms.”

We are a group of friends, moms, visual artists and photographers from around the world who are passionate about capturing images of the real, the messy and the magical-the wonder of the everyday. Like a kaleidoscope, our photographs are playful and experimental, ever-changing and infused with light and colour. Once a month, we assemble a single mosaic comprised of our collective pictorial tiles, one submitted by each of us, that reflect the shared meaning and beauty in our lives.

I am excited to be posting with this wonderful group of friends again. Due to the crazy demands that life can sometimes bring, we all decided to take a break.  It is wonderful to come together again and share bits of our life through our lens.  This month I decided to share a bit of our Halloween week.

Please follow our blog circle and see what Melissa Weicker has shared this month. She sees the world with such beauty, I am certain you will love her work.

space

This time of year often includes a full calendar with back to school, fall sports, and holidays. But, we cannot forget how important it is to have unscheduled time in our lives. When we have this space during our days, we have time for relationships, time to listen and time to invest in things that nurture us and others. This is vital to thrive individually and as a family. We were not designed to rush through our lives. I have been reading The Best Yes, by Lysa Terkeurst. Her stories are so relatable and filled with thought provoking reminders. I loved her words on allowing space in our lives. I couldn't agree more with this need to have time to connect with those we love the most.

“This beautiful messy band of people I call my own needs time together. Space to connect and process. Conversational threads are what make up the fabric of relationships. We must take time. Make time. To be together. To connect. To talk.”

let your light shine

Technically, summer is not over.  And in all reality, summer never really ends completely in Florida. Right?!  It seems like just yesterday we were closing our books for  a few months to enjoy summer break. Yet, here we are starting a new school year. How does it always happen so fast? I savor and linger and the days still fly by with lightening speed. This year our children will be in 5th grade, 2nd grade, and pre-K. It is our fourth year homeschooling. I've learned so much from the past three years and made some changes for the year ahead. I feel like there is an ongoing learning process of trial and error as we teach our children.

One thing I seem to forget each year as I am planning our first day back to homeschooling, is that the kids aren't really thrilled to be back to the school routine. And honestly, I can't blame them. We've all had so much fun staying up late,  sleeping in,  swimming, playing, visiting, and doing fun non-routine activities. I think it is really hard for our children (and me) to say goodbye to the carefree days of summer break. After a few days back to homeschooling, we all realize that it is good for us to add some discipline back in our schedule; and there is still plenty of time for playing. This way of life allows much flexibility to our days (like starting at 9:00 or later) and there can be some positive aspects to routine.

Our morning started with a big breakfast, followed by devotional time, and cleaning up the kitchen. When finished, we headed into the school room. This year on our first day we started with a fun activity. Each child answered some questions about themselves and then they shared with each other. We have one child who wants to be a soccer player, another who dreams of map making, and a third who would love to be an animal doctor.  They each shared one thing they were good at and one thing they needed to work on. I loved when our 4 year old said she was good at painting, but needed to work on "attitudes." I love her sweet spirit. Our school day ended with tie dye, which we have done annually since our first year homeschooling. The kids look forward to this every year. We finished just in time to head out the door to soccer practice. All three children are playing soccer this Fall, so we spend a lot of time at the fields.

To be completely real, our first day wasn't as smooth or joyful as I would have hoped. As I mentioned before, everyone wasn't excited to be saying goodbye to summer, and there was some complaining and irritability. There were times during the day that I felt a bit defeated. Before school that morning, I wrote let your light shine on our chalk board. These four words were ones that I wanted to define our new school year. As the day progressed, I didn't see the light; instead, I felt frustrated and impatient.

I have had time to reflect this week. I realized that every year, the first day "back to homeschooling" has been challenging.  Day two is always much easier and we begin to have a much better rhythm and flow. Once again, I was reminded of my need for grace for myself and our children. I need to let go of expectations that I sometimes create for all of us. I need to remember that transition can be hard for adults and kids alike.

As I look back on the day through the images I captured, I see the day with fresh eyes. I see the relationships between our children, I can hear the conversations we shared during the day, and remember memories we made.  I see the light. I see the light of Jesus throughout our home. Sometimes, His light is so subtle, yet it is so beautiful when we really take the time to see it. My prayer for our children is that they will not only let His light shine through them, but that they will take time to see His light every day.

A thousand times I've failed. Still your mercy remains. And should I stumble again. Still I'm caught in your grace Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades. Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame. -"Inside Out" Hillsong United

creating art with our lives

She is four and creates art with a passion that overflows from her soul. She lives her life with this same passion. She sings and dances and performs. I am learning so much about life through watching our youngest daughter. She creates art with her life. She doesn't let self doubt or fear stop her. She simply lives. We are all created by God to be artists. Our art is as unique as our lives. Creating art is more than mastering the technical aspects of a trade or craft. Art is something much more than technique. It is what unfolds when we live our lives with passion. It is something that is felt and seen but not measured.

I have been reading A Million Little Ways by Emily P. Freeman over the last year. Reading and re-reading. Yes, this book has spoken to me in many ways.  I've realized that art isn't merely what we create with our talents and passions but how we live our life. "Art is what happens when you dare to be who you really are. You have the power to influence, to move, to make, to become. You have the capacity to perform the human act of making art, of doing work that comes from deep within you and touches something deep within me." Emily continues, "We make art with our lives. When a mother who thought she had no voice begins to realize her voice matters, a student who believed he was biding his time to live life for real begins to discover life in today, and a writer begins to tell her story, a servant opens his hands, and a believer finally believes--art comes out."

As my daughter paints, life abounds from her. She doesn't know it yet, but she is in tune with what makes her alive. I remember when I had our first child, I felt alive in ways that I had never experienced. Mothering and now teaching our children, are ways I create art. I feel alive and I want to glorify God through these passions. You know without doubt when you see someone alive in what they are doing. It could be your child's teacher at school. Or a friend who shows hospitality to everyone who enters her home. A wife who loves her husband the best she can, showing grace and mercy through years spent together. Art is not just what someone creates with a brush or an instrument. It is a way of living your life.  Our Maker created us all to live this way, but somewhere along the way we start to forget what makes us feel alive. We can get into our daily routine; sometimes accepting mediocrity, and never take the time to embrace life in the way God intended for us.

For many, you know your passion. You know what you would love to do IF you had time and IF you were good enough. Something is stopping you from showing up. There will always be something trying to stop us from showing up.

Fear of failure and rejection stands in the forefront. This can be especially true for those perfectionists (such as myself) that want to do it right or not at all.

As my daughter creates art she has NO fear of rejection or failure. I have purposely let her create without limitations, so that she can explore and do what makes her feel alive. I have not taught her technique or skills, but given her a brush and freedom.

I need to give myself this same brush of freedom. To live and try and fail. To not worry if I will mess up and say the wrong thing or say it the wrong way. I need to give myself the freedom to embrace failure so that I can fully sink into Him.

In a world filled with social media, the artist in all of us can freeze. We see the best of what everyone decides to share. Their best work, their best house, their best vacations, their best parenting. We can let this take over and never move, or we can embrace our uniqueness in God and move forward. We are His. I loved these words from Emily. "You are the beloved. So be loved. Receive your belovedness and then hand it out, receive grace and be gracious to others, remember your image-bearing identity and move into the world with a job to do. Show up as you are with what you've been given. And don't allow the voice of doubt and discouragement to hold you back. "  God does not want fear to stop us. He wants us to head straight into that fear and realize we cannot do life without Him. Not one of us can. Let yourself fail and know you gave it your heart. My hope is that we would all create our art and hang it with confidence, just as my daughter did with her creation.

Many of us never move forward because someone else can do it better. In her book, Emily shares that often we fear that "someone else can write better, love better, lead better, speak better, teach better, design better, parent better or pray better." And the truth is simple. They can. I think many of us need to read and re-read these words that Emily shared from her  friend and counselor Steve Lynam,  "There is no new truth, dear. All truth belongs to God. Sometimes you simply need to hear someone else say it."  Emily went on to say, "You may not be the first to say it, write it, create it, or believe it-but you saying it may be the first time someone finally hears. Yes, someone else can say it better, but that doesn't mean you can't say it too. Throw out your inhibitions and spin around in this crazy world of recycled ideas. There is nothing new to say. Say it anyway."  

When I read that I just might have shouted Amen. I needed to read that and I believe many of you do as well. I have a passion to use my camera to capture the beauty I see in my family. I could spend my days stifled because someone has already done this and done it better. Amazing photography can be seen daily online or in publications. But, I am not picking up my camera to be better than anyone. I am not picking up my camera for the world. I am using my my God given gifts to create from my heart and ultimately to Glorify Him. This is why I was made to create and I cannot forget this.

What does living your life as art look like for you, right now? Not as a child, not ten years ago, but today? Every season will bring with it a new canvas. Open your heart and your life and ask God to show you His purpose for your life. In the final chapter of A Million Little Ways, Emily reminds us that " You are an image bearer and that is not about you becoming famous or important or promoted but about you becoming more fully yourself for the glory of God. And when you are fully yourself, everyone benefits."

I challenge myself and I challenge you to really think about these words and to seek Him through it all.  Let's create art with our lives.

"God is the Artist and he made us. We are his poem and we will make art."

The quotes and excerpts I shared in this post all come from A Million Little Ways by Emily P. Freeman. If these thoughts resonate with you, I encourage you to buy her book and read it. And then re-read it.

"Uncover the art you were made to live."

Click Magazine Giveaway

I am thrilled to have one of my favorite images in the July/August 2014 edition of Click Magazine. Seeing my work in print is something pretty special and I am so grateful to be included.  This publication is by far one of my favorites to get in the mail. Every issue is filled with gorgeous inspiration and thoughtful articles.

I am so excited to be able to give away THREE 1-year subscriptions to Click. The giveaway will end Friday, July 11, 2014 at 11:59 pm.  The winner will be announced on Saturday, July 12, 2014.

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embracing today for Him

This week I was listening to the radio when one of the artists began talking about God's purpose for our days here on Earth.  He said how many of us are running through life at this incredible pace.  He continued to share how many people are  living for the day to be over, so they can get to the next day, or the next weekend, or the next vacation.   Parents are waiting for their children to get older, so they can do life differently. Many parents, and even students, are wishing away the school year; dreaming of summer, when things will become slower. People are working jobs, with hopes of finding the next better one.   Others are waiting for their next big accomplishment; a new house, a new car, a new whatever the "it" thing is for them.   

God did not intend for our lives to be this hurried rush.  He gives us our days to use for His glory and His purpose.   I believe He wants us to soak Him in and to take time for relationships with others.   He commands us to love others.  We can't fully love others if we aren't slowing down enough to appreciate "the now". We aren't ever completely enjoying our days, if we are rushing on to the next one.

As I listened to this artist speak, I knew I had been guilty of this mindset myself.  Many times my husband has been gone on deployments or overseas for work, and I counted the days down until he returned.  The past few weeks have been filled with obstacles in our home.  We encountered a broken dryer, a broken fridge, a broken air unit, a flooded bathroom, and a tree falling in our driveway, which had to be removed after smashing our neighbor's car. During these weeks, I let the stress add up, and my days became a blur.  I went from one day to the next, just surviving.

I have made a conscious effort the past few years to really live a slower pace of life. We home school our children and spend a lot of quality time as a family. We love the outdoors and you can often find us relaxing and enjoying God's beauty around us.   We limit our outside activities and commitments and try to appreciate each day.  I realized as I thought back on the past month, that I am great at embracing today, until today, goes off course.  It is then that I often, let the distractions affect my mood and my focus.  God tells us in Psalm 46: 10 to "be still, and know I am God."

He doesn't want us to do life on our own. We have to sit still and delight in today for Him. We need to do this so we can hear Him and to be assured that He has our life in His hands.  He wants us to come to Him and leave our worries, our problems, our dreams and desires all at His feet.  As we do this, we can better enjoy the life we have today, just as it is.

This week I have slowly felt our normal routine take hold again. I have spent time being still and it feels exceedingly better than over tired, stressed and empty. These moments of stillness are always good for my soul.

One night I watched my youngest while she played with one of her cousins.  The big siblings were off at church and these two were enjoying the beautiful summer like evening. I now look at these images and can't help but think how children really embrace today for all it is.  They live in the moment and soak up the glory of now.  It is a beautiful thing.

homeschooling. a journey of faith.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.Let me walk upon the waters. Wherever You would call me.Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. And my faith will be made stronger. In the presence of my Savior. I will call upon Your name. Keep my eyes above the waves. My soul will rest in Your embrace. I am Yours, and You are mine. -from Hillsong United, Oceans I get emails and comments frequently asking questions about our homeschooling experience. These include everything from our curriculum choices to when I get my "own time" and everything in between.  As we are finishing our third year of homeschooling, I am here to share a bit about our experience. I am not here to say that our way is the right way or that everyone should be homeschooling, but will share with you why we have grown to love this way of life for our family.

“The beauty of home education is that it gives a family more time together–time to solidify relationships, to communicate values, and to focus on each child’s individual needs in a consistent and unhurried atmosphere.” -Kimberly Hahn & Mary Hasson

When my husband and I made the decision in 2011 to home school our children, we were without doubt that God was calling our family to this lifestyle. I say lifestyle because it is so much more than just school.  It is a way of life. It is a way of looking at the world and learning and living together.  Every experience during our day is a learning experience for our children. We have loved the slower pace of life homeschooling has given us. As the quote above says, we  now have more time to focus on family relationships and values.

When we started schooling at home our children were 7, 5 and 2.  We have continued to see the relationships between our children grow in unforeseen ways during these three years.  I am keenly aware that our children are getting to know one another in ways some siblings may never have time for. We are so grateful to continue to see their bonds and love for each other grow. They have learned to play together, regardless of their ages. One question I am often asked is if my children always get along.  Of course not.  They are children after-all, but they do get along most of the time. They have a beautiful relationship that I thank God for.

I love that I have been able to be such an integral part of their education.  This includes helping decide what our children will study and how they will study it. This also includes being a physical part of that learning daily.  This week my son realized he could now read chapter books and he sat down and read an entire book after lunch. As I watched him, I was filled with so much joy, witnessing his confidence and new found love of reading grow.  He started to learn to read in 2011 when we began this journey. During his pre-kindergarten year we used a book called Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. I have not pushed him, but let him excel at his own pace. It is such a gift to experience this with him. We had many frustrating days we had to get through to get here, but it is such an example of perseverance and determination for both of us.

“We can best help children learn, not by deciding what we think they should learn and thinking of ingenious ways to teach it to them, but by making the world, as far as we can, accessible to them, paying serious attention to what they do, answering their questions -- if they have any -- and helping them explore the things they are most interested in.”  -John Holt

One of the valuable lessons I have learned during this time is that there isn't a "right" way to homeschool. I have met many families thriving with this lifestyle, yet not one of them are doing it the same way. I love that! As each child is unique, so is each family. We have switched and tweaked different curriculum over the three years. While curriculum is important,I feel like there is so much to be learned outside of it, especially while children are young.

I believe wholeheartedly that children should be given ample freedom in their day to explore without continuous time schedules or planned activities. They seem to thrive when they can spend time doing things that interest them. My oldest daughter loves baking and I have started to give her opportunities to explore this love. My son is fascinated with drawing, maps, and reading facts. My youngest daughter has a love of painting that continues to blossom with each week that passes.  All three of our children play soccer and the older two children attend choir and Awana (a youth program) at our church.  We have limited our outside activities as we want to continue to enjoy this slow pace and not fill our free time with commitments. This has been instrumental for our family. All of us are happier having time to do the things we enjoy outside of a schedule. Some days this means we take school outside and picnic and explore. Others we have play dates and visit with friends or family.   While others we have to attend to errands or other responsibilities that do arise.

This brings up something very important. When you decide to home school, you do give up having those hours of the day free from children. This means that if you are like me, with a husband who travels often, or at work during the day, you will be grocery shopping or doing other errands with kids in tow.  Just two weeks ago, we had to stop school to go to Sears and Home Depot to compare clothes dryers after ours died. Obstacles, doctor appointments, and the such arise. This is a reality. We have been blessed to have a college student to help, one morning a week the past few years. This has been very helpful, but most often, our children are with me when we need to get household errands done. When we began homeschooling, these things seemed to be more challenging, but as the kids have gotten older and I have learned ways to manage these outings best, it is very doable. Time with children passes by quickly and I realize in a few years my oldest will be able to babysit. It seems like just yesterday she was in her pre-school years.  It is so important to remember that each phase of life is just that, a phase. Children change and grow at this crazy rapid rate. In the short three years we have home schooled I have already seen how their ages change our family dynamics in many ways.  My older children, now 10 and 7, are both very helpful. I really try to soak in each of these phases of life.  I feel like our days are filled with ample "alone time" for me, for them, and for me with each of them.  Ultimately, I love the togetherness we share through this way of life. 

I am asked all the time what  a "normal" day looks like.  I am also asked what our youngest child does while the older two are doing their studies. These are great questions and ones I had myself before we began this journey.  First of all, our days vary.  I would like to say a typical day starts at 9:00 am with everyone awake, fed, and in the school room, starting handwriting, but that would be untrue.

Many days our son is up before the girls. On some of these days, I begin to work one on one with him while they sleep. This is very beneficial, because once he is finished for the day, or at a point he needs a break, he can play with our youngest daughter, while I work with our oldest. Our children are 2 1/2 and 3 years apart, which has worked out really well with our schooling. There are subjects we can actually combine for the older children, which is a wonderful advantage; and they can also help their younger sister with learning activities or just play.

Like I said before, our youngest was only 2 when we began schooling at home.  We decided that she would not attend preschool and would be at home learning and playing with us.  I can not imagine our days without her at home. There were times when we first started that we had to wait and do some of our work in the afternoon while she was napping. There were also mornings we had to completely stop school and go outside and play because it was too challenging.  She has always had an interest in art, coloring, cutting, exploring. I have encouraged her from day one to join us at the work table.  This wasn't always "convenient" or quiet, but with persistence she has learned to be a wonderful part of the classroom.  Honestly, our days aren't always perfectly smooth, but I don't expect them to be. I love this time with my children and cherish it in ways I never imagined.

Our learning environment may look like a typical classroom in many ways, but it is also very different. Some days we are in our designated school room while other days our classroom is the back porch.  We have schooled in the kitchen, the park, Mimi's house, etc. There are days when the weather is so beautiful that we leave our studies and head out to explore or play.  I love that we can start our day whenever it works for us and that our weeks are very flexible.  As I mentioned before this is a lifestyle not just a school choice.  The book studies and table work are only a small part of our learning together.

“What is most important and valuable about the home as a base for children's growth into the world is not that it is a better school than the schools, but that it isn't a school at all.” - John Holt

I am often asked how long we will home school.  We don't know what the future holds and continue to pray for God to lead us in parenting our children. I do know that, we cannot imagine another way of life right now.  I have found such peace in this way of life and my heart has been so full. We will seek God first always and see what He asks of our family in all things.

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” -Corrie Ten Boom

Many people, who are unfamiliar with homeschooling, always ask about the socialization of our children. I love how Mary Kay Clark addresses this:

“Don’t worry about socialization. Wherever people congregate, there is going to be interaction, socialization.” Where is it written that it needs to be in schools? -Mary Kay Clark

As I close today, please know you are more than welcome to email me any time with your own questions on homeschooling. I know that the friends and mentors I had as we began this journey continue to be invaluable.

I can share with you over and over again, how this experience has been such a blessing for our family, while others may have had complete opposite experiences. I do not believe this is a way of life for everyone. I share these experiences, so that others who feel they are called to home school their children, can also be encouraged.  I  know that the schools where we live are wonderful and filled with amazing teachers. My husband and I both attended these schools and most of my children's friends attend these schools. I know they have amazing opportunities that we miss, but we feel that the benefits for our family are greater than anything we are giving up. There have been times on this journey that have been challenging, even lonely, but each time we have gone to God in prayer and He has always provided what we needed.  Not only have I grown as a mother through teaching our children, but my faith in Jesus has grown in abundant ways.  This journey has taught me about obedience and living a life that God has asked of me.  That doesn't mean it will always be easy or convenient.

Today in church the guest speaker, Bobby McGraw, spoke after leading our youth for Invasion weekend (a weekend for the youth of our church). He spoke about living in obedience and  living a  life that works.  The first point he made was that our life should be "controlled by the Father's desires."  We often try to compare ourselves on earth to look or be like everyone else, but trying to fit a mold doesn't work. If we are committed as a family to what God wants, we can fully experience the blessings from Him in an amazing way.  I do not mean material blessings, but that He will provide what we need, according to His will.  "And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."-Philippians 4:19

We are trying as a family to be obedient to God and pursuing to honor Him in all we do (not just in homeschooling), which translates to being different in today's world. We strive to live and teach our children to be the opposite of what the world teaches. Life is not about self satisfaction or self gratification, life is about sharing God's love with others and learning how He desires to use us for His purpose. This does not mean we will not fail along the way. We most certainly will. We are striving for these things, but we are also learning to live and give grace to ourselves and others.

For our family, this calling is so much more than a choice of how we will educate our children. We are doing more than educating our children by having them home on a daily basis. We are nurturing and investing in them for the sake of Jesus.

As parents, we all have to find what works best for our family. I will forever be grateful that we listened to God's call to change our path three years ago. It was scary and unknown, but it has been filled with many blessings. 

My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control.Consume me from the inside out Lord.Let justice and praise become my embrace. To love You from the inside out. Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades. Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame. And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise. From the inside out, O my soul cries out.  -from Hillsong United,  the Inside Out.

thoughts on project 365

It's almost been three months since I started the Joy Project; my own version of a project 365.  As someone who has always captured the beauty of every day, I don't feel like I am picking up my camera more; yet there have still been some valuable observations. I am really trying to embrace imperfections and messy. I am not necessarily meaning this about life, but about the way I capture our life. Life can definitely be disheveled; often out of order and filled with highs and lows on any given day. I really want to look back on my pictures and be able to relive these moments. I want to be able to feel the days as I do now and to see them years from now with the same fresh eyes I see them with today. This is increasingly more important than a perfectly composed or exposed image.

We are surrounded by family with cousins always in and out of our home and yard. Our home is often loud and chaotic with children interacting and playing.  At other times it is quiet and calm filled with snuggles and intimate conversations.  Most days are slow and savored as we spend them learning about life, playing, and just being together. It is so important to me to teach our children the value of relationships within and outside of our home. To make time for each other and others and not let the busy paced world that surrounds us seep in and take over.

I want to be able to accurately capture the childhood I see my children living. This unique and ever so special season of life is one I thank God for daily. I want to look back on my images and feel the connection to them that I do now.  I feel like each frame I capture is its own note of thanksgiving that I can never find accurate words to express. I don't want to forget anything about these days and this project reminds me of that constantly. I want to hold these memories and remember each of the details without fail.

I look forward to the growth I will stumble upon as I continue this project in the months ahead.

You can see more from the Joy Project here.

Kaleidoscope | february

Last year I became friends with a very special group of ladies and participated together in a 10 on 10 project.  This year we wanted to continue to do a project together, but wanted to do something a little different.  Our new project is called Kaleidoscope.

Kaleidoscope  is derived from the Ancient Greek (kalos), “beautiful, beauty” (eidos), “that which is seen: form, shape” and (skopeo), “to look to, to examine.”  Hence “observation of beautiful forms.”

We are a group of friends, moms, visual artists and photographers from around the world who are passionate about capturing images of the real, the messy and the magical-the wonder of the everyday.  Like a kaleidoscope, our photographs are playful and experimental, ever-changing and infused with light and colour.  Once a month, we assemble a single mosaic comprised of our collective pictorial tiles, one submitted by each of us, that reflect the shared meaning and beauty in our lives.

I love seeing how each photographer sees her part of the world.  It is beautiful to see these images all together. Please be sure to head on over to our blog to see our Kaleidoscope for February.

This month my image came from a group of images from one afternoon on the lake with some of the cousins. The sun was shining, the skies were blue, and the water was inviting.

living with grace

A couple weeks ago my four year old daughter went to the dentist and we were told that she had a cavity and possibly two. She is our third child and the first one to have a cavity. I got in the car and immediately my eyes filled with tears. I realize that you may think I am crazy, but I am going to continue to put myself out there and share this story. You might very well be asking yourself why I would cry over something like this. My husband didn’t even really understand my tears, but ultimately I felt like I failed her. I knew the reality of her being our third child; things have been much more relaxed. She got juice and treats at a much younger age. In addition, when we started homeschooling a few years ago, our nighttime routine got a bit relaxed. I wanted relaxed, don’t get me wrong, but it was almost to a fault. My husband’s schedule for the past few years has been very demanding. He gets home late and travels often.  Homeschooling allows for a more flexible lifestyle and one of the things we have cherished is that the kids can have this time with Dad whenever he gets in for the night. This means that many nights there have been late bedtimes, in exchange for time with Daddy. With the late bedtimes, came a lack of routine; which at times included baths that were missed and teeth that were not brushed. After spending the entire day blaming myself for the cavities, I decided that there had to be a happy medium between a strict night time schedule and no routine. We immediately began implementing a routine at night again that was flexible but consistent. The story doesn’t end here.

As recommended, last week we followed up with the pediatric dentist.  I was in complete shock to find out that her x-rays showed that she not only has multiple cavities, she needs to get a crown put on one of her teeth. Feelings of failure and inadequacy overcame me.  I questioned all my abilities as a mother. I became upset and frustrated all over again. It was truly a spiral of emotions. I was so sad that my four year old would have to go through the hours of sedation and work to get her teeth repaired.  And I was sad thinking of her with a silver cap on her baby tooth for the next 8 plus years. And sadly, I thought to myself, what will other people think.

I left the office and called my mother in tears. All I could think about was what I must have done wrong as a mother. It was later brought to my attention that her having been born prematurely could have attributed to her having all these dental problems. The reality is, it may not have been a factor, but this really got me thinking.  My frustration and disappointment turned into joy and thanksgiving. She was born prematurely yet she has had zero health problems since birth. She spent less than two weeks in the NICU and she is so full of life and love. This was one of the first things we have faced since leaving the NICU over four years ago and I should be counting my blessings.

I started to really find perspective. Then I began to think of grace and perceptions. This is when I felt God’s whisper in my ear. This is when I knew I had so much to learn from all of this. I needed this reminder of how frail we each are.

Admittedly, I worried about what people would think of me as a parent when they saw my daughter’s silver tooth and I became defensive immediately. I didn’t let her drink soda or sweet tea or eat junk all day long. I had not been good about insisting her teeth were brushed twice daily, but I didn't completely neglect them either.  I kept battling these feelings back and forth in my head. As I sat there worrying about what people would think, I became very convicted of my own tendencies to question parents.

I began to think about how we never really know the story of mothers, children, or anyone we see from afar. I am certain there are even people we think we know, but we truly don’t.  Perhaps you have heard the mom that is yelling across the parking lot at her children and think you’d never do that. Or you see the obese child at the store and think shame on the parents for feeding him/her the wrong foods. Maybe, you’ve seen the child in the store yelling or hitting their mother. Or perhaps you know the child that gets in trouble all the time at school or church. I could go on and on with examples; but you think that would never be you. You think, that would never be my child. Or perhaps, it has been you or your child. Perhaps, you have felt this unfair judgment that hurts deep inside because people do not know your whole story.

Each of us do the best we can as parents to our children, but no matter what our best is, we have to realize we are going to fall short.  Most often I am doing so much on my own, as many other mothers are and I am worn out and tired by the end of the day. We need to give ourselves and each other grace. I know for sure our home is a place filled with love and togetherness. Isn’t that the most important thing?  I have to let go of this idea of perfect. I have to let go of worrying about messing up and accept the fact that I will mess up. Yes, it is okay to strive to do better or make changes, but not giving ourselves grace is a problem. I don’t think I am the only person who struggles with this. The more children we have, the more aware of this I have become.

I don’t want to be a mother that ever judges or challenges other mothers; even if it is only in my thoughts. I see so much of the so-called “mommy wars” too often, especially with the prevalence of social media. I read and see these battles everywhere. I hear the bold messages loud and clear and I can hear the implied messages just as loud. Motherhood is hard enough as it is; we don’t need to judge others or ourselves. I may make choices you would never make and vice versa,  but we should affirm one another; or at the very least not judge someone for being different.

Sadly, I have been the person who was judgmental in my thinking. I had this idea of how life should look or I thought I did. I thought I would always have it together as a mother, but the more children I have the more I realize how messy life will get some times. God has shown me time and time again, how much I need His grace.  I have learned how beautiful messy can be.  And as the dentist explained to me,  I will tell my daughter how beautiful her “silver tiara” is. I don’t ever want her to think she is anything less than enough. I don't ever want her to think that she is flawed. She is perfect just the way God designed her. I want her to know this now and always. I know this is only one small baby step in demonstrating grace to my children and myself. There will be so many things we experience together, far more serious than a silver crown, and now is the time to lay down the foundation.

I pray that I will continue to grow on this journey of motherhood and that God will continue to mold me into the person He has planned. And I pray that along this road I can encourage others to do this as well. I pray that we can all begin to accept our own shortcomings and the shortcomings of those around us. Most of all, I pray that we can share the love of Christ with all those we are around.

So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing. -1 Thessalonians 5:11

As I look at this picture I am reminded of what a blessing these children are. I will certainly fail them at some point, but I will continue to do my best to let them know they are always loved.

summer in january

This week we  enjoyed a beautiful, warm and breezy January day. We packed up our school books and headed out to do our school in the fresh air. We ended up spending the entire day outside. These are the best kind of days.

a little Christmas break fun

I love Christmas time.   When we began homeschooling I decided we would always take the month of December off of school so we could really slow down and enjoy family time during this month.  We have had lots of fun doing Christmas activities, crafts, and baking the past couple of weeks    Then there are the times in between the Christmas fun where the kids can just play and relax and well, just enjoy being kids.  Yesterday afternoon was one of those.  Love these images of our girls just having fun.

30 days of thanks 2013 | week 2

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.  1st Thessalonians 5:16-18 Welcome back for week two of my personal project: 30 days of thanks in pictures.  You can go back and read a bit about this project and see week one here.

Day 8/30

Moving back home to Florida has brought many joys, but there are many things I do truly miss. I miss the change of seasons. I especially miss the fall leaves so full of color and the magical feeling of a first snow each year. But, the other night while down by the lake I couldn't help but think of how lovely the weather really is right now. My son was playing in the water and the sun was just setting over the horizon. While I do miss the seasons, I am so grateful for the weather we have in Florida during the fall and winter. It is pretty beautiful most days. And once in a while we get a snap of cool air, but then you know the warm mild days will be back.

Day 9/30

It doesn't matter if Daddy is gone 9 months, 9 weeks, or 9 days...the excitement seeing his car coming home is always the same. I am grateful to share life with a man that brings us so much love and joy, that sacrifices so much for our family and country, and that makes the most of every day together. No, every day is not bliss in 14 years of marriage; but each day spent living and learning together is something to be so thankful for.

Day 10/30

"Most of our days are filled with routine duties required for life to continue with any sort of sanity. But if we take the time look closely, we might discover that God is using these normal activities to prepare us for future tasks, each duty pointing to His blessing in our lives." -Priscilla Shirer

Any day of the week you will find me in my home. No make up. Shorts and a t-shirt. Hair on top of my head. Dishes in the sink. Laundry to be done. Teaching my children. This is my ordinary. I am grateful today for my ordinary. For the gift I have been given with such a beautiful purpose to teach, love and guide my children daily. For the right now in my life. I am thankful that God has shown me more blessings than I ever dreamed in these ordinary moments.

Day 11/30

"I'm not telling you it's going to be easy - I'm telling you it's going to be worth it." ― Art Williams

When we started homeschooling many people asked me what I was going to do to "entertain" our youngest child while schooling the other children. Some even suggested that I send her to pre-school to make things easier. My husband and I decided that we would have her stay home with our other children. Three years later, I am so grateful for this decision. We have so many memories of us all together during our days. Yes, sometimes, it is a challenge. She is at a busy age, but an age that is so fun to watch and nurture. I love getting to see the older children work with her on skills. I love being able to watch her love of art and learning grow. I love having her with us throughout our days. She learns so much by being around her older siblings....and honestly they even learn quite a bit by having her around too

Day 12/30

Our home is usually a pretty noisy place. One that is filled with laughter and learning at most times during the day. (And yes, there are bound to be times I hear arguing as well). With three children home there isn't a lot of quiet. But I wouldn't trade our life for any other way. I love the noise and I love having our house filled with children. I love when the cousins and neighbors are in our home. BUT to be honest, by the end of the day, I crave quiet. I love order and I am ready to relax. Some nights, I don't ever find this because I fall asleep getting the kids all to bed. But when I do, it is something I am very grateful for.

Day 13/30

Sometimes, I feel and look just like this when life doesn't seem to go my way. I want to cry, kick and scream, and just ask why? Today I am thankful to know that even though I may not understand God's plan always, I do know He loves me and His plan is always best.

"God's purposes are not for me to understand His plans: His plan is for me to understand Who He is." -AnnVoskamp.com

 Day 14/30

"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart."  -Kahlil Gibran

Even as we teach our children that their beauty is found inside of them, there is something beautiful to me about the magical world of dress up.   Our youngest sits fascinated by make up, dresses, and tiaras.  She twirls and sings and acts out various roles as she plays.  I am grateful for these moments and the beautiful girl I see before me. No, not beautiful because of her dress or her makeup, but because of that shining light in her heart.  That light, that is what I am grateful for.

"gratitude changes everything" -unknown

What are you grateful for today?

10 on 10 | the November edition

There's something so timeless and soulful about black and white photography that I really appreciate.   More often than not, when I click my shutter, I am visualizing that moment in black and white. The light and the dark come together in such a fascinating way. Shadows really stand out, as do beautiful highlights.  This month's 10 on 10 includes 10 black and white images that I captured throughout the month.

Please be sure to continue on to the blog of the super talented Rowe Timson. She lives quite the exciting life in Bali.   I always love her images.

30 days of thanks 2013 | week 1

I will thank you, Lord, among all the people. I will sing your praises among the nations. Psalm 57:9 It seems like as soon as October 1st hits, the Holiday and Christmas rush begins.  I think November is a wonderful time to slow down and look around our lives at the many blessings God has bestowed on us. It's a time to rejoice in all things.  To be honest, I really want to live with a grateful heart all times of the year.  I am documenting 30 days of thanks in pictures for the second year in a row. I loved looking back on these sweet blessings at the end of November last fall so I knew I wanted to do it again.

I have been reading 1000 gifts by Ann Voscamp since summer (I am a slow reader) and it really is a beautiful way to live...to really seek God in all things.  To live a life seeking  the beautiful gifts awaiting us each day. They may not always seem big, but they are never insignificant.   This way of life doesn't mean we will not face heartache, bad days, rough patches, despair, loss, or any thing else that can bring us down. No,  we will always find valleys in our lives,but you can find beauty and light even in these dark hours. You just have to have your eyes open to it.

Day 1/30

I am thankful that no matter where I look in my home, there are traces of children, traces of life, love and living together as a family. I never want to take these for granted.

This picture is a little reminder of a day painting leaves, because otherwise our leaves here in Florida do not have much color.

 Day 2/30

I love that many mornings we wake up with one or two or even three extra bodies in our bed; even if it feels super crowded and my sleep is disturbed. I love this because most days it feels like they are growing up way too fast, but this is a reminder that they do still need us..that they still love our comfort, our touch, and our presence. And this fills my heart.

 Day 3/30

"your lovely even with your scars" -amy grant

I have struggled with people pleasing and perfectionism as long as I can remember. In doing this, many times I have questioned if I am enough? I am starting to see that my oldest daughter struggles in similar ways. Today, I am grateful for the way God brings His message to us through music. We were in the car when Amy Grant's Don't Try So Hard came on the radio. It was a such a blessing to be reminded that we are more than enough in the Lord, and that His Grace is never ending. To be reminded we don't need to try so hard. And what a gift to talk about the meaning of this song with my 9 year old.

Day 4/30

Over the past six years Alzheimer's has taken so much away from my father-n-law and our family. But today I rejoice and am beyond thankful that there are still precious moments like these. I am so grateful my children get to have this time with their Grandfather and can see the love that he still feels for them. It's a reminder that even in the hardest of circumstances, God is still very much there.

Day 5/30

At first glance this photograph looks similar to many others I have of our four year old--our sweet child who loves to paint. As her mama, I know the story and feeling behind the pictures making each one unique and special. I could capture her like this daily, in her world, in her element. I feel so blessed to get to watch her enthusiasm, her imagination, and her love for creating come alive. I pray she will always have this spirit.

Day 6/30

I must admit I am not the best doggie mama at times...somewhere between having our children and my husband leaving for countless deployments our faithful friend seemed to get less of my attention. But, I am so grateful for the 14 years of companionship he has brought us. I am grateful that my children give him the love he deserves. We have so many memories with him and I am forever grateful. My children have never known life without him...he is our family♥

Day 7/30

This week I realized we had reached a milestone in our home. It was the first time in almost 10 years that no one needed a diaper or a pull-up. (not for day, not for night, not at all) I think back over these years of there always being a baby in the home. I am grateful to all the memories...the life that has been lived. Long nights at times. Tantrums. New Words. Giggles. So much learning in the early years. Today I look at our three little people..our three blessings and I thank God for who they are each becoming. It's hard to realize they are getting older, but I see them in a such a beautiful way with the wings they are growing.

When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow. - Shauna Niequist

You can come back next Friday to see my next week of gratefulness.  And if you are doing a project too, I'd love you to comment. I am enjoying following so many other people on this journey this month.

more thoughts on saying yes

Almost 6 months ago I wrote a post about saying yes more to our children and how thankful I was for the joy I found in the "yes-es".   It really is a never-ending choice we have as parents...the choice to say yes; to inconvenience our selves sometimes, the choice to give up something else to make the yes happen, the choice to stop what we are doing and really give our children the attention they are asking for.  The questions can come in all different ways.  I would be lying to say over the last six months, since my first post,  that I always have said yes.  I haven't. I am human, we all are.  Not one of us are perfect mamas and we shouldn't ever feel like we need to be.  This isn't really about always saying yes, but about not always saying no. And sometimes, as I said before, yes is unreasonable.  But I have seen time and time again,  when I do say yes something special happens. Over the last two weeks I was able to experience the joy in saying yes.

My husband recently took our three children to a store in town called Spirit Halloween. I had never been in this store.  I really thought it was kind of silly to be honest. Halloween just isn't one of my favorite holidays.  The kids came home so excited over all of the costumes they had seen.  My 4 year old was most enthusiastic because she had seen a bumble bee and she had decided that was what she was going to be for Halloween. For a couple of days I ignored her chatter about this bumble bee idea.  I thought she could be a princesss.  We certainly have a lot of princess costumes in our dress up closet and with three children, this would certainly save money and be one less costume to plan for.   It made sense to me to not buy another costume, to not say yes to the bumble bee. BUT, she had her own idea.  She did not stop talking about the bumble bee she was going to be.   This was the first year she showed an interest in what she would be for Halloween, so it got me thinking and  I decided we would buy the costume and she would get to be a bumble bee. I cannot tell you how excited she was the day her costume arrived.   I was so grateful to have said yes.  I was so grateful to see her smile, her enthusiasm and joy dancing and twirling and buzzing in her costume.

This week brought another chance to say yes in such a simple way, but similarly it brought my daughter so much joy. Each year we love to paint pumpkins close to Halloween. In Florida, it seems like the carved pumpkins rot quickly and the painting is such a fun alternative.   My youngest was painting her little baby pumpkin this week and we decided to add glitter.  I gave her a very small amount, thinking it would add a fun sparkle to her creation. She asked me if she could have some more.  I gave her a bit more. She then asked if she could do it herself. We all know how messy glitter can be and we all know that a four year old isn't the most delicate at "doing it herself". My first instinct was to say no, let mama do it, but I decided to say yes.  In my head at that moment I thought glitter is not the most expensive thing and that she would have so much fun and feel a sense of independence.   And indeed, she had the most wonderful time using up every last bit of glitter and YES there was a huge mess.  But, it was in that mess I was reminded again of how important it is to not always automatically say no.  I share this because I know it is easier to say no a lot of the time.  I have been there and am still there many days.  But these experiences, they really make me think each time another opportunity to say yes is presented.   I am thankful for these lessons as a mother and I am thankful for yes.

11 on 11 | october

"Suddenly, there is inner stillness. And within that stillness there is a subtle but intense joy, there is love, there is peace."-Eckhart Tolle

Last month I started this fun new project called 11 on 11. You can see my first post and read about the project here.  This month I am back..and well, I am breaking the rules a bit.  I do have my 11 images, but the image with "me included"  did not happen this month.  I promise to be back next time with one, but I didn't want to miss out completely this month.

We had a rainy morning one day  this week and my daughter had a wonderful time with her watercolors. She loves to paint more than anything, so I try to let her do this as often as possible.  I love to hear about what she is creating and watch while she works.   This morning was no exception; she was so full of life as she painted her beautiful creations.

Please follow along to the blog of Fran Barker and see what wonderful images she has to share this month.  Her work is always beautiful.

cherish this day | october

"Life is fleeting. It is to be enjoyed."-Tori Amos

One morning this week my 4 year old daughter woke up asking for her cousin to come play.   We had a car to get washed, groceries to buy, dinner to start, and schoolwork to be completed.  BUT I told her that we would try our best to have her over some time during the day.  While out grocery shopping we stopped in the dollar tree and stocked up on some fun craft supplies: glitter, foam crowns,  and sequins.   I was able to talk to my sister n law and arrange a play date while our older kids were at church later that afternoon and evening. It was perfect because I was able to give the little girls my full attention so we could make beautiful princess crowns.   We couldn't have asked a more glorious evening, so I set up all of our supplies on a picnic table in the yard. I gave the girls the glue, paint, glitter and sequins and let them have fun until their hearts were content.  Glitter was thrown, paint was spilled, and the mess was everywhere. It was wonderful.   Everyday beauty....it's a true gift indeed.

Now, head on over to the Cherish this Day Blog and see what other beautiful every day moments have been captured.

kids were here | october 2013

"If you must look back, do so forgivingly. If you must look forward, do so prayerfully. However, the wisest thing you can do is be present in the present... Gratefully." -Maya Angelou

be sure to head on over now to the Kids Were Here Blog and see all the wonderful images our group has collectively shared.

infectious joy

“Joy is the realest reality, the fullest life, and joy is always given, never grasped. God gives gifts and I give thanks and I unwrap the gift given: joy.” ― Ann Voskamp

Last week one evening my niece was over playing with my youngest daughter.   As I watched them, I couldn't help but feel the joy.  Their squeals were loudly heard in the back yard and their smiles were radiating almost as bright as the evening sun. At 3 it seems pretty easy to be joyful.   Worry and disappointment comes in the form of not getting to buy another app on the I Pad or not getting one more cookie for dessert.  These sweet cousins were not even aware they had a limited 45 minutes to play together that night.  They just lived those 45 minutes to the fullest, without a thought elsewhere.

It makes me wonder, as we get older, when does this natural joyous state begin to change, and why does it have to?  As I've mentioned before I've been reading 1000 gifts by Ann Voskamp.  I have been challenged to open my heart to the gifts all around me. I have been challenged to see the seemingly insignificant as beautiful as God intended it to be. I desire to let go of the worrying about tomorrow and embrace each day and moment for what it is. As I look at these images today, I am reminded to live joyfully and to open my heart to the fullest life God has to offer.  I know that God is presenting this gift to me daily and I want to open my heart and grasp it always.   Sometimes, this is easy. But, admittedly, sometimes it has to be done with a conscious effort.  In either case, it is there waiting for all of us.

There really is so much beauty waiting to be appreciated in any direction I look.   And for these 45 minutes, it was indeed pure bliss.  It was giggles, swinging, sunlight, little hands and barefeet, lake breezes,  blonde curls, a sweet dimple.

I am thankful for this joy.